Reaching Out

Writers: Avery, Miriah
Date Posted: 30th July 2015

Characters: L'pin, J'ackt
Description: L'pin wants to help J'ackt. He just has to figure out how.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 13, day 20 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: Cyradis, Olwinna, N'vanik

J'ackt

In the evening, it was easier for J'ackt to let out some of his pent
up energy. Not allowed to practice swordplay, it took some sort of
rigorous activity to burn off the excess energy and frustration. So he
ran. Usually around the Weyr walls. And as he ran, he brooded. He
brooded over being made to talk to a mindhealer or about not being
able to get out of the Weyr, if only for a candlemark. He was feeling
more and more trapped and each day he felt more penned in. Freedom was
_right there_ and he couldn't taste it. It was either run or punch
walls and the Healers had threatened not to set the bones if he did
again.

He huffed, his face set as he pulled up next to a large boulder and
slowed, circling it slowly to cool down and let his muscles begin to
relax. His dreams had been getting worse, as if being made to talk
about his past, even as much as he tried to hedge around it was
bringing up private memories that he didn't want to confront while he
was awake. Slicked with sweat he finally stopped and bent at the
waist, taking deep breaths.

L'pin had been taking a long walk to clear his own head. When he saw
J'ackt streak by, he tilted his head. He hadn't had a one on one with
the bronze weyrling for some time. So he hurried up his pace until he
was within speaking distance. "I have some water if you want it," he
offered.

J'ackt looked up and slowly stood straight, wiping the sweat from his
brow. "Water would be good. Thanks."

"Looks like some tough exercise. Should help with firestone drills and
the like," L'pin observed.

"Don't do it for that." J'ackt finally sat on the boulder, his breath
quick but evening out. He wiped at his face again, pushing his hair
from his brow. "Can't fly, can't practice in the yards, only got
running left."

"I know the restrictions are hard on you. Were you told when they'd be lifted?"

That made J'ackt's face tighten. "When the fecking mindhealer thinks
I'm ready. Apparently, I can't be trusted to fly my dragon or handle a
sword or even leave for a candlemark without permission." His voice
trailed off as he realized that he was speaking to someone in a
position to possibly make it worse. "It's nothing. I'm handling it."

L'pin winced. That was harsher than the restrictions the wyerlingstaff
had chosen for him. But that could be worked around. "Without who's
permission? The mindhealers, or someone else's?"

"Cyradis and Panitath won't let Zith out of the Weyr at all until I've
been cleared. Cyradis won't let me have any sort of practice sword
until I 'open up' to the mindhealer and he thinks it's okay." That
brought a dark scowl and his voice was scornful.

That was a pair where he couldn't override the decision. So much for
taking the young one out with him for 'extra training'. "Do you not
like the idea of mindhealers, or your particular one?"

"I don't want to see any mindhealer. I don't _need_ a mindhealer. I'm
not fecking crazy." J'ackt picked up a stone and flung it towards the
lake.

"They're not only for crazy people. And not all of them bad. I like my
sessions with Olwinna." a minor exaggeration, but fairly accurate.

J'ackt looked at L'pin. "You see a mindhealer?" He arched a brow.
"Don't seem like you really need one."

"I needed one when my son died," L'pin said quietly. "It was the
bleakest period I've ever lived through. There were days that I called
for mine in the dead of night."

J'ackt just looked at L'pin, studying him. "Didn't know about your
son. Sorry." He frowned. He doubted his own father would have grieved
much for him.

"There was a time when I wouldn't talk about it - though the rumor
mill's happy enough to do it for me, of course." The bluerider
shrugged. "After what happened to Hevalda, I went to speak with
Olwinna. She helps me work through my guilt and helps me seperate
irrational feelings from truth."

"But I don't have nothing to talk about." J'ackt's jaw twitched.

"They must think you do, and I understand... It probably seems like
senseless talk which doesn't mean anything. But sometimes they have
insights into people that do help."

"I don't want insight." J'ackt pointed out. "I don't want to talk to
them." He began to pace with irritation. "How I feel is no one's
business but mine." And their questions were giving him bad dreams.
"I just want to be left alone."

The bluerider wished he knew how to get through the the weyrling.
Clearly Cyradis and the mindhealer thought something was wrong with
the boy. Or if not profoundly wrong in the shell-cracked way, then
something he needed to address. And it was true that it seemed like
J'ackt needed to adapt to certain aspects of weyrlife; like how
weyrmen trusted and relied on each other. Trying to be an island
didn't work when people needed to rely on each other.

"I understand wanting to be independent. But you don't want to be
totally alone, do you? You've Zith, and some friends in your class."

He shrugged. "Sure I got a few.. I mean I don't want people asking me
a lot of questions and want to talk about how each and every thing
makes me feel." He nudged the boulder a bit with his knee in
irritation. "And I don't want people trying to force me to be
something I'm not."

"Sometimes I think the Weyrleaders expect you all to be smaller
adults, not teenagers who aren't done yet. You're still growing into
being a man. Maybe you don't know what you are or aren't yet, all the
way. After all, did you think you'd ever be a dragonrider? Or would
you have called that something you're not?"

"I _did_ call it something I wasn't." He shrugged slightly. "Guess I
was wrong about it, but I'm still no hero and don't want to be one."
He looked over to where Zith was bathing with a few greens. "He wants
to lead; I don't. I just don't see that a mindhealer will do any good.
Do I look like someone who talks about their feelings? I'm not."

L'pin was quiet for a moment, seeking a solution for J'ackt's
problems. The mindhealer wasn't getting through to the boy because he
didn't want to be gotten through to. He seemed self-aware of his own
challenges in some ways, but in other, closed off. Forcing him into
dealing with others was like pushing a square peg into a round hole.
What if it damaged him more than it helped?

"I wish I could resolve this for you," he said. "Maybe there's a way
for multiple people to benefit."

"I just don't see the point in talking about stuff." J'ackt finally
sat down on the boulder with a bit of a slump and kicked at a rock.
"Just thinking about stuff is bad enough and it makes the dreams
worse." He rubbed his face. "I just don't know why they want me to do
all of this. Yeah, I got in a fight. Paid the price for it and all."
And was willing to do more than that to ease the problems between the
Weyr and the Holds, but N'vanik had refused to allow it. "I just don't
get it."

"All of what, get the special treatment from mindhealers? Taking away
your outlets? It doesn't seem fair to me, either."

There was a soft snort. "Guess it's the price I pay for being here."

L'pin shifted on the rock. "Sounds like it's been a rough time. I'm
sorry it makes you unahppy so often," he said honestly.

There was another shrug. "Not all the time. I've got Zith. I can talk
to him, but I guess that's not enough. I just don't know what more you
all want from me. I wish I knew."

"And I wish I knew how to help explain what others think better."
L'pin did try hard to be a bridge between worlds for many of his
students. "I'll talk to people and see what I can do. Even if they say
no, you had someone in your court."

"Ask them to let me out. If just for a candlemark or two. I need out."
J'ackt lifted his head to stare at the man. "I'll come back, I just
need some space."

"I'll do it," the bluerider promised.

"Thank you." There was some relief of tension in J'ackt's shoulders at
L'pin's agreement.

Last updated on the July 30th 2015

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