The Deepest Loss

Writers: Devin, Paula
Date Posted: 6th July 2017

Characters: Talryne, Olwinna
Description: An upcoming anniversary has Talryne feeling more upset than usual.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 12, day 13 of Turn 8

Talryne

"Hi," Talryne said as she stepped into the mindhealer's office. She'd
thought about cancelling today, but that was probably a sign she
_should_ go in for her appointment.

"Hello, Talryne, how are you?" Olwinna greeted with a welcoming smile
and beaconed her inside.

"I'm... doing okay." Talryne closed the door and took a seat. Her
fingers twisted together and she wished she'd brought some knitting to
occupy them.

Okay was not what Olwinna wanted to hear, although it was slightly
better than "badly" She liked to hear great or doing fine. "Just okay?
What's bothering you, Talryne?" she asked.

**Say it. Just say it.** Talryne had been through this before, and
talking helped, especially with someone who wouldn't pity her. "It's
almost month thirteen and that's when I... when I lost..." The words
stuck in her throat.

"You have to say, out and aloud. It's part of the process," Olwinna said gently.
She reached out to take her hand. Sometimes touch helped.

Talryne hesitated, feeling the instinct to draw in on herself. It took
an effort to fight it and take Olwinna's hand. "Ysanth died." That was
all Talryne could manage before her throat closed up.

"See, you can say it," Olwinna said encouragingly and squeezed her hand.

"It hurts. I can feel that hole open up inside me." Talryne pressed
her free hand against her chest. She'd fallen into that dark hole
before and she worried that some day she might not be able to get back
out of it. Having half your self ripped away wasn't something you
could ever get over.

Things like this made Olwinna grateful that she hadn't actually
Impressed. She had wanted to, like any weyrbrat would. "To keep
living, is the bravest thing you've ever done. I know it's not easy.
You haven't given up yet and you won't give up to that hole now."
Faranth knew how many riderless riders she had seen giving up.

"There are days I wonder why I bothered to hang on." Talryne had
mentioned things like that to Olwinna before. "But there are good
days, too."

"It's those good days why you do hang on," Olwinna said "And every
passing Turn, those good days out number the bad ones."

Talryne let go of Olwinna's hand and leaned back in the chair. "Yes."
Sometimes that made Talryne feel guilty, as if she was betraying her
dragon by feeling Ysanth's death even a bit less keenly.

Olwinna could read her bodylanguage and guess which direction her
thougts were going to.
"She would have wanted you to be happy."

If it was possible for dragons to outlive their riders and their
places had been switched, Talryne would have wanted her precious green
to be happy. "I know."

"She was part of you, you'll never cease to miss her," Olwinna said.

"You can't imagine what it's like, to be so complete, to share a mind
and a heart in a way you never could with another human. And then to
suddenly be so empty." At times she still woke up shocked at the
ringing silence in her head.

"You're right, I can't imagine it. I've heard it descibed many times
bu I can't feel it. Only thing I can compare it to is either
motherhood or having a firelizard," Olwinna said. She had both:
children and firelizard. "A baby isn't really part of you, she's her
own person. She comes from you, but she's separate. You have to figure
out what someone who's only way of communication is crying, wants."

Talryne could sympathize with someone who'd lost a child but it wasn't
the same. "Imagine losing your children, your weyrmate, your whole
family and everyone you've ever loved all at once. Then you might come
close."

Just thinking of made cold shiver run along Olwinna's spine. "I
wouldn't wish that to happen to anyone, nor do I wish anybody lose
their dragon. If life was fair, nobody would ever lose anyone they
care about, human or dragon. But life isn't fair and we're left to
cope with it best we can. You've been doing great, Talryne."

"Thanks." Talryne took a deep breath and let it out. Her mood would
likely get worse before it got better, just like last Turn. But it
_would_ get better, even though this wound inside her would never
fully heal.

"Your welcome," Olwinna smiled gently. She liked Talryne and hated to
see her suffer.

Last updated on the July 6th 2017

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The Deepest Loss