Speaking to the Mind Healer

Writers: Avery, Paula
Date Posted: 19th November 2017

Characters: Riveenata, Olwinna
Description: Riveenata speaks to Olwinna
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 2, day 3 of Turn 9

Riveenata fidgeted as she sat in the waiting area. She still wasn't
enthusiastic at the idea of seeing a mindhealer. But Savith was
already extremely fidgety when she saw Volcano Wing drilling without
them, and she knew it would get worse. She wanted to be back up there,
too. So she took deep breaths and hoped she could get through these
appointments and get back to flying.

"Next!" Olwinna called and kept the door open, letting the previous
patient out and waiting the next one come in. With the riders from
River Bluff, she was keeping a rather busy schedule.

The greenrider shuffled into the office, shut the door, and sat down
on the provided seat. She had seen Olwinna around but didn't know her
very well. Not as well as she would have if she was only a Healer, not
a rider who also helped out in the Infirmary.

"Greetings, mindhealer. I'm Riveenata," she said, perhaps unnecessarily.

"Well met, Riveenata," Olwinna replied and gestured her to take a seat
in her office. "I'm Olwinna. So, you're a healer besides being a
dragorider?" She had her file and made herself familiar with it before
hand.

"I am. Never thought I'd Impress, honestly," she admitted. "I do
Infirmary shifts when assigned."

"Unexpected boon," Olwinna said. She had wanted to Impress but didn't.
Life didn't always share even hands.
"So, what brings you to my office?" she asked. Mostly just to get the
discussion steered to right direction.

"I was sent here by Weyrwoman Kapera," the greenrider said. "There was
an accident in Threadfall that Savith and I were involved in, and
she's grounded us."

"What happened? Tell me your point of the story," Olwinna asked. She
had the official report of course, but the way she talked about it
would tell her a lot.

The greenrider closed her eyes. Shards, she _did not_ want to talk
about this. She didn't want to think about it. Couldn't she just be
left alone?! But, if she didn't say anything, then she couldn't go
back to flying Thread, and if she wasn't doing something useful, what
kind of person was she?

"At the last Threadfall, a weyrling was delivering us firestone and
missed. We moved out of position slightly to help her out. A Thread
tangle
fell from above us. Savith tried to flame it, but she was out of flame
and so we had to /between/ away to avoid it. The weyrling didn't - she
got hit."

She shuddered when she said that part. She could still hear the
screams of Jevila and Gulbeth as the Thread hit their backs.

"After the Fall, Kapera chewed me out for being out of position and
not paying attention, and then she sent me here. She said I haven't
been paying attention lately and she thinks I'm a risk."

"Do you think you're a risk?" Olwinna asked. Asking question was how she
worked.

"I suppose that depends on if the accident was all my fault. I guess I
am - I guess it was," the greenrider said softly. "I was out of
position so Kapera blamed me. But the weyrling didn't /between/
either..."

"That's why it's called Blooding, it's bloody. The weyrlings are
inexperienced and more than one frozes with fear," Olwinna said
gently. "Accidents happen during Thread Fall. More often that not,
it's a sum of many things, the wind is erratic, someone is too slow,
other one is too fast, someone is out of position and fourth frozes
just for the wrong second."

That was true. Riveenata had been told that during weyrlinghood
several times. But hearing it in class and seeing it yourself were
different.

**You're right,** she thought.

"But Jevila might be crippled forever. And it was me out of position..."

"So you do blame yourself. You've had healer's training, you know what
survivor's guilt is," Olwinna said.

She knew the term, the theory. Harder to imagine it applied to
herself. "I - I guess you're right," she said after a moment. "I'm
fine, just being punished. And she's still here in the Infirmary."

She was from River Bluff Weyr and Olwinna was ready to bet her future
master knots that her survivor's guilt went father back that this
Thread Fall accident. All the survivor's from River Bluff Weyr
suffered some sort of post-traumatic stress. Some had nightmares,
while others had more subtle symptoms. "Is that only thing that
bothers you?"

She wanted to hesitate, to say no, to shake it off. But Olwinna was
Healer-trained like her, and she couldn't go back to flying if she
didn't convince the mindhealer she was fine. And she didn't think she
could fake it. And if she lied, she'd just stay here, grounded, until
she finally talked about it.

Maybe talking about it would help, anyway. Like lancing a boil and
draining out the pus. Maybe it was worth a try.

"I miss home so much it hurts to think about it. I miss friends there
who died. I miss people who moved to other Weyrs. I just want to walk
its halls again, to see the corridors I grew up in, to know where
everything is and where I fit," she said.

"I just want to cry when I think about how much I miss everything. But
then I think I don't _deserve_ to cry about it. I didn't lose a
weyrmate. Or my parents. Or my best friend. Other people lost those
things, and _they're_ still functioning. They're not crying all the
time in their weyrs. So why am I doing it? It's not that bad for me,"
she blurted out.

"Why do you think that because you didn't lost a loved one, you don't
have right to grieve?
Why do you feel your loss is not enough? How can you say those people
are still functioning? Perhaps they've just faking it?" Olwinna was
making these questions to get her thinking. She reached out to take
Riveenata's hand. "Let yourself grieve. You can't bottle up emotions.
Well, you can but it's unhealty and they have bad habit of snaking
out and making you pay for it."

"Because... I..." She realized she couldn't really put into words why
she felt like she couldn't grieve, and she said as much. "I just
figured my parents are alive and it didn't seem right to be as upset
as someone who lost theirs, I guess."

"You have all the right to feel as upset as you feel. If feelings made
sense, I wouldn't be needed," Olwinna said comfortingly. "Look, you're
healer trained, right? I presume you're also compassionate, since
people with empthy are often drawn to healing. So you feel deeply. The
loss of your home shook your core-being, took away the foundations of
your life. Of course you're grieving. You have to process it like
everyone else. Right now, you're denying it."

Riveenata understood, intellectually, what Olwinna was saying. She
knew she was empathetic, as a Healer and a dragonrider you had to have
some measure of it. And yet it didn't seem like just losing her home
was enough to count.

"I suppose I'll need to keep coming to appointments while I work on
how to process it?" she asked.

"I think that is wise. Sometimes we all need little help dealing with
the all thing life throws in our way," Olwinna said.

Personnally, she thought that Kapera had been too harsh with her. The
young rider was under a stress. She should have been sent to Olwinna
earlier but to ground her? That was too much. Some people needed to stay
active.

"I guess I'll see you soon then. Thank you for giving me something to
think about," Riveenata said. She really would try to think about it
before the next appointment. Olwinna had some good points, and she
needed to try to internalize them.

Olwinna nodded. "Never think you're not normal. Your reactions are
perfectly normal in your situation."

"I appreciate it. You helping and all," the greenrider said. She knew it
was Olwinna's job, but she knew the other woman was _getting_ it, too.
That gave her confidence they could work on it.

Last updated on the December 10th 2017

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Speaking to the Mind Healer