What Do You _Want_ From Me?

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 13th March 2006

Characters: Birigundi, Nialyn
Description: Birigundi intends to comfort Nialyn, but makes things so much worse
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 11, day 4 of Turn 3
Notes: Follows "Hard To Accept"

Birigundi

Birigundi had tried to seem enthusiastic, but despite his partner's obvious energy and interest in making him think of nothing but her, his mind kept wandering back to Nialyn. Had he done something to hurt her? He didn't think he had. He searched his memory and could think of nothing. Was it just moodswings? Or was it something else? Maybe something about the baby? Might she be having doubts now? All he knew was that she had been hurt and crying, and somehow he was the cause.

Finally he looked up at the very naked, very animated woman straddling him and he said, "I'm sorry, honey. I just can't do this tonight."

He was still clutching his shirt in his hands when the door slammed behind him. Well, whether there was something really wrong with Nialyn that night or not, one thing was abundantly clear - he wouldn't be invited up to _that_ weyr again anytime soon. **Shards...** There was nowhere for him to go but to Nialyn and get to the bottom of whatever it was that was bothering her.

Meanwhile, Nialyn had just gotten into her warm, heavy, well-used robe and was curled up into the corner of the sofa, hoping to lose herself in a novel she'd borrowed from the Records Room. But no matter how hard she tried to concentrate on reading the words, she just couldn't. Nialyn must have read the same sentence five times before giving up and putting it aside.

She closed her eyes against the sudden stinging as she swiped a frustrated hand through her long hair. On one hand, she was mad at herself for letting him see how upset she was. She _knew_ that it was the pregnancy making her so moody and emotional. He shouldn't be dragged into it all. But on the other hand, she couldn't help but wonder if her pregnancy was bringing true feelings she'd shoved down to light.

A part of her thought that it was probably true.

But she had resigned herself to the fact long ago that she wouldn't be the only girl in Birigundi's life. It was a _Weyr_, after all. How could she expect that of him? But it hurt to see him touch and kiss girls the same way he touched and kissed her. It hurt to stand there and pretend not to notice how blatant he was while _she_, Nialyn, the girl who was carrying his child, was behind the counter, working.

She bit her lip, curling up tighter into herself, one hand slipping down to touch her stomach. Maybe she could try to lose herself in sleep...

**Shards, how did I get into this _mess_?** he thought as he passed back and forth in front of her door, one fist planted on his hip while the fingers of his other hand ran through his hair in frustration. Of course Birigundi knew the answer. He got into this mess because the sex felt sharding good. He got into this mess because Nialyn had been beautiful and new and so sweet and shy and willing and he just couldn't stop himself. Shards, when _could_ he stop himself.

But really, was it _his_ fault she decided to keep the baby? Why did he feel so scorching _responsible_ for her all the time! Why was it every time her lip quivered he was ready to promise her anything if she would just smile and be happy. She was a grown woman, she should be able to take care of herself! And it's not as if he wasn't accepting his duty to her and the child! He had promised to be there when she needed him. Did that mean every sharding _moment_ though? Did that mean he had to give up his company for the evening and rush off to comfort her every time she had a flaming moodswing?!

No. The evening wasn't over. There was still time to find someone to spend the night with. Or he could go running again. He could use another run. Either way, he could forget Nialyn. He could! But he couldn't forget his Ma. It was her words that echoed in the back of his mind. "Biri," she had said, "you may not love this girl, and you may have not intended for this to happen. But you have an equal share in this baby.
And more reason not to forget your responsibility to her than most, I should say. You know how hard it was for me to raise you alone. Don't you ever forget that, Biri. Don't you ever leave her to do it alone."

"Oh, shell cracks," he groaned as he reached out to knock on the door. "Nia?" he called. "Nia, it's me. Can I come in?"

At the sound of his voice, Nialyn sat up, her eyes wide. Shards. What was he _doing_ here? She couldn't face him now! **Maybe I could pretend to be asleep...**

Shards. He knew she was here though.

Scrubbing her cheeks, she hesitated for a moment, trying to get control. Then she stood, walked slowly over and opened the door, her other hand holding the front of her robe tightly closed. Nialyn glanced up at him before looking down. "That was...fast." She regretted the words as soon as they left her. Shards, shards, _shards_...

"Just what is going on with you tonight, Nia?" He couldn't help the frustration creeping into his voice.

The frustration and bitterness flared. "You want to know what's 'going on' with me, Birigundi? Do you _really_ want to know?"

"Yes," he snapped back. "But I have a feeling I better sit down first. This might take a while."

Stung, she was tempted to slam the door in his face - something she'd never done to anyone before. But a small whisper of her usual, calm reason somehow came through and instead she whirled around, forcing her hand to let go of the knob. "It just might!" she snarled softly.

He gently closed the door behind him and walked over to flop down on the sofa, forcing himself to at least _try_ to be understanding of whatever was going on. "All right," he said calmly, "what is wrong?"

Nialyn crossed her arms over her chest and stayed standing, suddenly feeling so very young and so very foolish. Shards - these _sharding_
moodswings... "Why are you here?" she asked, deflecting his question, her tone still a little harsh.

"Because you were so upset," he said with a shrug.

The look in her eyes softened just a little as she slowly sank into the chair across from him. A silence stretched between them for a moment, and she fiddled with the sash of her robe. Finally, she murmured, "It's hard, Biri."

"Well, that's why I'm here, Nia. I'm here to help."

She shook her head, still unable to look at him. "It's hard for me to...see you with other women, and to pretend that I don't. Or that...it doesn't bother me." Shards. She wrapped her arms tighter around herself, her eyes fixed on her knees.

Birigundi was speechless a moment as he looked at her. Oh shards... "Nia... I... You know, I never made a promise... In fact, I _told_ you in the beginning..."

"Yes." Her eyes pierced his. "You made yourself quite clear about that. Quite clear, Birigundi." She rose again and paced away from him. Then she turned around to stare at him, hurt flickering in her blue eyes again before they hardened. He'd jumped so quickly to sharding _defend_
himself... "And you might recall that I told _you_ that I didn't expect you to."

"Well then why are you acting like I was doing something _wrong_?" He stood and followed her. "I told you this would never be exclusive, and you _did_ say you didn't expect me to. Now all of a sudden you do?"

"Just because I don't expect you to doesn't mean that I'm devoid of all sharding _feeling_! I'm carrying your _child_, Birigundi. I'm not Weyrborn, so I was raised with Holdbred morals - but here, I guess they're called 'inhibitions', huh?" She couldn't look at him. "It's obvious that it was easy for you to rid yourself of them, but it's not that easy for me."

"Ok, look, this was never supposed to be a relationship! You and me, we were supposed to be a fun evening and that was it!" Shards, why was this happening _now_?? "Now, I have promised to stand by you, and I will. And not just because you are having my child, but because I really like you a lot. But shards, I never said this was exclusive, so don't blame me if you have feelings for me!"

Furious, Nialyn whirled on him, her eyes burning with shock, hurt, and anger. Oh yes. The anger. "If I had _any_, they were just sharding shot to the sharding Red Star!" She backed away, her eyes filling with tears -
again. How _could_ he? "Get out."

"All right, all right, I'm _sorry_ ok? It's not your fault if you have feelings for me," he said throwing his arms up helplessly. "What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say?"

"Just _get out_, Birigundi!"

"What do you _want_ from me, Nia?" Birigundi groaned in frustration, but he turned and walked to the door. His hand stopped on the door knob briefly wishing there was _something_ he could say or do to just make this whole conversation be forgotten and go back to the way things had been. But he knew there was nothing, and so he slipped out through the door and back into the cold stone corridor.

Last updated on the March 13th 2006

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What Do You _Want_ From Me?