Hard times

Writers: Eimi, Paula
Date Posted: 17th January 2008

Characters: Birigundi, E'naer
Description: Birigundi opens up to the Weyrlingmaster Third
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 7, day 13 of Turn 4

Birigundi

"Well, Birigundi," E'naer sat next to the candidate. "Another hatching is past us and you still haven't found your lifemate. How are you doing?" His voice was filled with compassion and concern.

"All right, I guess," the Candidate shrugged, pulling his half finished plate closer towards him to make room for the Weyrlingmaster Third. He wasn't really hungry anyway. The truth was, he was downright miserable, and it wasn't really even the Hatching. But he was more than willing to let the greenrider assume.

"If you don't mind me saying so, but you don't look all right to me,"
the greenrider said.

"Oh, I don't know. I just..." He reached for his mug. Birigundi just wanted some excuse not to look at the greenrider. "I just can't stop thinking about that brown. The one who didn't find his lifemate."

E'naer shook his head sadly. "It's so sad when it happens. I've seen it happen too many times and it still make my heart bleed. Always makes me wonder what could be done to prevent it."

Birigundi was thoughtfully quiet as a he mulled over a familiar question. "E'naer, do you think there is only one dragon for each human, and only one human for each dragon?"

"I think so, yes. I've seen too many hatchlings die without finding his or hers lifemate to explain it otherwise," E'naer said.

"And us? Do you think we only have one chance, and if we're not at that Weyr or not... not ready... it's over?"

"Well, readiness has nothing to do with it. Ready or not, if we're there, the dragon will find us, even among the spectators. It's just a matter if we are in the right place at the right time. But..." E'naer hesitated. Birigundi had heard all the platitudes, all the 'there will be the next one' too many times and maybe it was time for cold reality. The candidate had stood many times and was getting older. Not too old yet, but soon. "Just because you were Searched and found suitable for Impression it doesn't guarantee that there _is_ a dragon for you."

Birigundi shrugged. He had heard it before. It was not a new realization. Although, it was good to know that little brown had not been meant for him and he had missed it. "I know all that. But...
Shards, my mind just wasn't on it this time. To be honest..." Shell cracks, he couldn't believe the words that were about to come out of his mouth. "To be honest, I don't know if I even _wanted_ to Impress this time."

"Having a hard times?" E'naer asked, eyes full of sympathy. He head heard of some gossips about what was going on in Birigundi's life lately, including about the dead son.

Birigundi stared deep into the liquid that filled the cup in his hands.
"Yeah," he finally said softly. "Yeah, you could say that."

E'naer squeezed his shoulder, loss for words.

"I didn't even really look at the Eggs. I was just looking in the Stands, trying to find Nia and my daughter. But they weren't there. I couldn't find them." She could have at least brought Lyndi to watch her Papa. Was she that sick of the sight of him? Did she hate him so much she would miss a Hatching rather than have to look at him?

"There were so many people, maybe you just missed them?" E'naer suggested gently.

"She hates me," Birigundi said with a slow shake of his head. "She hated my son. But it wasn't his fault."

E'naer wasn't so familiar with life to be able to follow that thought.
But it didn't matter, he seemed to have a need to talk and E'naer was more than happy to be a understanding listener.

"Nia is just, so _sharding_ hidebound sometimes! I mean, why shouldn't I sleep with who I want? What right did she have to be all hurt just because I got another woman pregnant? It's not like we were weyrmated!
And it didn't change how I felt about _her_..."

Considering the greenrider himself had never weyrmated and liked to sleep around, he could well understand Birigundi's point of view and he said that.

"I wish _she_ could have understood. I can only see my daughter when she's at her foster mothers. Nia doesn't want to see me at all.
Shards, it just hurts so much." It was the first time Biri had said those words aloud. He had pretended for so long that it didn't matter, but it did. Biri had realized it mattered more than anything else in his life.

"As a father, you do have a right to see your child. I've seen too many father's who are not interrested in their children lives," E'naer said, thinking of his nephew, who didn't know his biological father.

"It's not that she'd refuse to let me see Lyndi. I know she would let me see her. But before... It was the three of us together. We were like a family." They were _his_ family. "I just don't understand why she's doing this to me."

"Well, she probably has her own, hold-bound reaseons to be hurt by you," E'naer said, in an attempt to be impartial. It didn't sound very convincing in his own ears.

Yes, Biri knew he had hurt her. He had hurt her very badly. But she kicked him out of her life because he had tried to comfort a friend. He hadn't meant for her to get pregnant. It wasn't anyone's fault. "I know I've hurt her. And I never wanted to. Shards, I hated seeing her so sad. I'm just not hold-bred any more. But that never meant I didn't love her."

"Some people just don't seem to understand how you can have sex with other people, without emotional attachements and still love them as deeply as ever," E'naer shook his head ruefully.

The candidate sighed and downed the rest of his drink. "Love sucks."

"Aye," E'naer agreed. This discussion was turning into a depressive one.

Last updated on the January 19th 2008

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Hard times