Broken Hopes and Trouble

Writers: Avery, Yvonne
Date Posted: 25th February 2008

Characters: J'nus, Kapera
Description: J'nus goes to find Kapera when she leaves the Hatching Feast to deal with her grief
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 7, day 11 of Turn 4

Kapera

J'nus wouldn't have noticed the Weyrwoman had left the Hatching Feast if Kopth hadn't whispered it to him, but once he knew, her absence was a glaring. The Feast was for her and Riyanth as much as it was for the newly Impressed Weyrlings, but after what had happened on the Sands he wasn't surprised that she couldn't stomach the music and dance, coy smiles and brash laughter. On his way from the Dining Cavern he snagged a pitcher of wine and a pair of glasses, and headed up the stairs to where Kopth told him Kapera was hiding.

"Want some company?" he asked.

If it had been anyone else, she would have told them to go to the Red Star. She'd never lost one of their hatchlings before, and she wanted to be alone to deal with the grief and the loss. And she was the Weyrwoman-
she couldn't be seen crying. Weyrwomen didn't break down in public.

But she and J'nus were...something, now. Maybe she could even say close.
They did things together like go to a Gather. He didn't make demands on her, he didn't see her as a trophy or a bedmate. He saw her as her, and it was different. He was different. Comforting, even. She could handle him being here.

"Please." she said, looking up with tears on her face.

He handed her the pitcher before settling on the ground beside her and laying out the two glasses. Wordlessly he poured them both a glass full and handed one to her, before settling back to stare out across the snowy fields. Kapera hadn't sought the freedom of the heights the way most dragonriders did; they sat on a fence near the beast pastures, and his breath steamed in the chill night air. "Are you going to be okay?" he eventually asked.

"I have to be okay. The Weyr can't see the Weyrwoman like this." Of course, that wasn't an answer to his question, but she didn't have an answer.

The bronzerider smiled briefly as he stared into the dark. "Sorry. That was an idiotic question. If you were okay you wouldn't be hiding out here instead of inside with all the rest."

"We've never lost one of ours before." she said, drinking the glass in one swallow. "It's been so long since the Hatching here, there were enough Candidates...so many... Why couldn't he find someone?"

"I don't know." He poured her another glass and set the bottle into a snowbank. "I wish I did, but I don't."

She shook her head and took the glass, not wanting to knock it back just like the last one. "First clutch as Weyrwoman and it goes wrong. Maybe I'm not supposed to do this." she said plaintively. "Maybe Riyanth shouldn't have risen first."

"Don't be ridiculous. Losing an egg happens to every goldrider - it's happened at River Bluff Weyr, and Tsaera's been Weyrwoman there for as long as I can remember." He reached out and pulled her into a one-armed hug. "There's nothing you did or didn't do that would have changed things. Sometimes, bad things just... happen. You just have to move on."

She relaxed into him, and wiped her eyes again, cursing the traitorous tears. "I'm so scared." she admitted. "This isn't what I thought could happen to our eggs. Things were so perfect until now- we became Weyrwoman first, and we had a large clutch. It was supposed to be Dragonsfall's new hope."

"Things never turn out the way we imagine they will, do they," J'nus replied softly. He glanced at his wrist where his sleeve had ridden up, exposing the point of a branded triangle.

She shook her head. "When I Impressed Riyanth I wanted to be Weyrwoman, but I didn't imagine it happening this quickly." Instead she felt like an impostor, someone thrust into the job and playing her part but not deserving to be there. If better women hadn't transferred or died, she wouldn't be worth anything. Not that she was now... Shaking her head, she looked over at him, following his gaze. "May I ask?" She couldn't be the only one with broken hopes.

J'nus hesitated a long moment before replying. "I... was a very different man in my youth. I drank too much and... did some things that I'm not terribly proud of now." He tugged at his sleeve to hide the brand. "There are three points to a triangle, and there were three of us..."

"Someone you loved?" Or it could have been a friend, or someone he hated. She didn't know.

"Yes. People I still do..." He trailed off, then shook his head. "I'd rather not talk about it."

What a mystery. She rather wished he would keep talking about it, because now he had her attention. Of course, she couldn't force him to-
and even if she could, she shouldn't. She wouldn't want him prying into her Hold life, would she? So she accepted it. "I understand." she said softly. Hoping to lighten his mood a little, she tried teasing him a little.
"You know, I would never have imagined a sordid past for you."

"I have a past more sordid than you could possibly imagine," he said, and then smiled and bopped her nose with his finger. "Which is why I avoid wine now. I finished pickling my liver when I was in my twenties."

"I had wondered why you don't seem to drink like so many others do," she admitted, still trying to wrap her head around the concept of J'nus as, well, a debauched pleasure-lover like so many Hold-men considered Weyrfolk to be. And, she ruefully admitted to herself, as so many Weyrfolk actually _were_. Not that she minded, of course; she loved the various kinds of fun that could be had as much as- if not more than- the next person. But J'nus had always seemed solid, stable, practical. She couldn't imagine it.

"And that's harder than you could possibly imagine. I really _like_
wine..." he said plaintively. In his mind he could hear Kopth's warning, but he shushed his dragon. **Just because I miss it doesn't mean that I'll drink tonight.**

"It must be hard to give up what you enjoy," she said. She couldn't imagine giving up any of her pleasures- drinking, sneaking pastries, sex...especially not sex. J'nus must have quite a lot of self-control. It made him even more appealing.

"Not really. I know what the consequences are, and it's just not worth it anymore."

"I'll try to remember not to tempt you, then."

It was too late for that. Her long, dark hair smelled sweetly of whatever oil she'd put in it, and the soft slip of her Gather dress against his palms led his mind astray. Kapera was beautiful, intriguing, and as changeable as quicksilver... the woman he held in his arms wasn't the same as the woman who changed bed-partners as often as she changed the sheets, and yet they were both Kapera. She was trouble, and J'nus was tempted anyway.

He drew her in close and planted a chaste kiss on her forehead. "You'll be missed. It's your party, you know. You and Riyanth should enjoy it."

"I know she's enjoying watching her babies and their new riders getting fawned over. I swear, from Clutch to Hatching is the only time she selflessly cares about others, not just about what they can do for her Weyr!" the goldrider joked.

But she knew what he meant. As the Weyrwoman, she couldn't afford to stay away any longer, even if she was numbed with grief still. And as Weyrwoman, she should be there to usher in her and Riyanth's new era. And yet... "I'll go." she told him. "But just so you know, if you hadn't come after me, I don't think I could have gone back in there."

It was true. J'nus had relaxed her, comforted her, dispelled the fears haunting her- not just the pain from the loss of one of Riyanth's eggs, but all the doubts and fears about whether she belonged here. He was the one who knew how to fix her without resorting to crude measures, and she appreciated that. "Thank you." she said, hugging him for one moment before readying herself to go.

J'nus smiled. **Shards...** "Do you think you can walk back in there, or do you want me to hold your hand?" he asked teasingly.

"I think I can make it." she assured him. "Although, if you're going to be coming back to the party as well, I can certainly spare you at least one dance." The look in her eyes indicated it was more likely to be more than one.

"With an offer like that, I _have_ to go back, now!" J'nus said despite of himself. Kapera was trouble, all right. "I'll follow you in a bit."

"I'll see you later tonight, then."

"I'll see you later." J'nus watched her go with mixed feelings. Then he looked down at the flask of wine he'd set down in the snow beneath the fence they'd sat on. One temptation to make him forget about another...

}:No.:{ Kopth's voice rumbled through his head like the bellow of a wild feline. He sighed.

Kapera was trouble, all right.

Last updated on the March 2nd 2008

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Broken Hopes and Trouble