If Only...

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 17th October 2005

Characters: U'kaiah, Traelyn
Description: U'kaiah comes to find a frustrated Traelyn
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 8, day 3 of Turn 3

Traelyn stood on the council room's ledge, silently looking out into the
Weyrbowl. Some of the dragons were still lazing on the Rim, trying to
soak up the last of the heat that still radiated from the hard rock before
the night air chilled it. Even from this distance, she could see Nyith
and her bronze mate curled up together, their noses touching, her tail
draped casually over his, one of his forearms crossed possessively over
hers.

Trae didn't think they had moved all evening.

Which wasn't really something she could say about herself.

A sad, almost bitter smile pulled at the corners of her lips. If
J'darin himself had gone /between/ times to earlier that morning while she
was washing her face in U'kaiah's weyr at Dragonsfall, and told her that
she was to become Weyrwoman here this very _day_ at Dolphin Cove, she
wouldn't have believed him.

Trae folded her arms over her chest as the cool, ocean breeze swept up
from the shore. She had never wanted to be Weyrwoman. She had never had
the desire for such responsibility, or such power. It just wasn't in her
nature to be ambitious. But now that the position was staring her in the
face, she couldn't back away from it. And she wouldn't. Traelyn did have
pride, after all. She wouldn't be riding a queen if she _didn't_ have
that certain aspect in her character. And she'd made it known earlier, to
all of them. During the meeting with the Dragonsfall Weyrleaders, she had
made it known.

Suddenly, there were footsteps coming from behind her. She kept her eyes
fixed on Nyith, as if she could draw the strength she needed right now
from her.

"Traelyn?" a disheveled U'kaiah said gently. He had spent the day taking
out his frustrated dragon lust with a blessedly experienced drudge, and
now he was thoroughly, though not pleasantly exhausted. Kalamath's
frustration still burned in his mind, as did his own guilt in the affair.

Part of her wanted to turn to him, to go to him, to find some sort of
familiarity in his arms. But she didn't move. "I thought you'd left."
Her voice was quiet, but if anything, it seemed more distant than not.

The distance was obvious to U'kaiah as he waited for any sign from her
that things were going to be ok. But she gave him nothing. "I just...
woke up. I saw Nyith was still here. I figured you might be here. I
knew J'darin was not with you," speaking the name of the man who won her
flight, who was now _her_ weyrleader, was almost painful as he stared at
her back.

"He's with T'moran, I believe." Finally she turned to face him, her gaze
traveling over his hastily buttoned, wrinkled clothes and his disheveled,
tangled hair before her dark eyes flickered to meet his. She felt
something inside her twist, and the distant look in her eyes began to
fade. "And Nyith won't leave." She had tried to keep her voice low
enough to hide the sudden, frustrated lump in her throat, but even she had
heard her words waver.

"Trae... I..." How could he say that he was sorry that she had become a
Weyrwoman? Wasn't that every goldrider's dream? Shouldn't he be happy
for his friend? But he knew what it meant. She would have to stay here
with her dragon at their Weyr, for it was _their_ Weyr now. He tried to
smile as he said, "Congratulations, Weyrwoman."

Her lip curled. She could feel all the bitter frustration she'd been
shoving down all day come simmering close to the surface. Struggling not
to lash out at him, she felt her body tense.

"It was a great flight. And Nyith seems happy with her choice." U'kaiah
was trying to convince himself that all this was for the best more than
her. They had only known each other for a couple months, and yet, in that
time she had come to know him better than any other woman he had ever
known. He would miss her terribly. And it wasn't only a loss for him.
Kalamath had been determined to catch Nyith, more so than for any other
dragon he had ever chased. U'kaiah knew his bronze had his heart set on
that particular gold. His lifemate's frustration was still fresh in his
mind.

Trae looked away. "Yes. She is." **But I'm not, U'kaiah... Can't you
_see_?** she wanted to snarl at him. **I never _wanted_ this!**

Those words cut deep. "Then this is where you belong then."

"No!" she snarled, her eyes snapping up to his.

U'kaiah was taken aback by the vehemence in her voice. His eyes lowered
to the floor. Looking at her was becoming painful. "I'm sorry, Trae."

"This isn't my home." Her tone was hard now, full of the raw emotions she
hadn't wanted to reveal to him. "I don't want this, U'kaiah. I've
_never_ wanted this!"

U'kaiah shrugged helplessly. What could he do? He couldn't go back and
tell her not to come. He couldn't make Moriath well enough to rise again.
How he wanted to hold her, to tell her it would be alright. And how he
wanted to be held too, to know that he would not lose his friend. All he
could do was mumble, "I'm sorry, Trae."

She stared at him. **Is that all you can say to me?** "You have no
reason to be sorry," she finally said in a quiet, strained voice.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I was coming. That I didn't tell you
about my heart." U'kaiah could feel his shoulder's slump under the weight
of the guilt he felt at that admission.

Even as he said the words, Traelyn realized that she wasn't the only one
feeling guilt and shame. _He_ was feeling it too. His admission
pierced that fog of self-pity and bitterness, and before she knew what she
was doing, she had her arms around him, and her face was buried in the
curve of his neck and shoulder.

He wrapped his arms around her, wishing he could change the events of that
day, and of the days past. How could he have been so foolish. Of course
she would find out. Of course she would worry for him. He gently rubbed
her forehead with his chin, wishing things he just had no right to wish.
"It will be all right, Trae."

Yes, it would be. But the road to getting there was going to be so
hard... She nodded, her hold on him tightening.

His fingers traced tendrils of her hair, and he gently kissed her
forehead, wishing he could ease her way with the tenderness they had
always shared. But his chest felt tight and constricted as he continued
to murmur encouraging words, for he knew that this was one road she would
have to go alone.

Traelyn leaned into his touch, afraid that if she opened her mouth to
speak, she'd start crying, or end saying something terribly foolish. She
battled her conflicting emotions, trying to shove them all down. One hand
moved up to grasp at his hair - the touch almost desperate - unknowingly
conveying without words what she was feeling.

U'kaiah gently tilted her head towards him until their eyes met. "Shall I
stay with you a while?"

She gazed at him for a moment before looking down. "Please?"

"We'll go back together," he assured her. U'kaiah tightened his arms
around her as he looked up to the heights where a gold and a bronze were
sleeping curled up together. If only...

Last updated on the October 17th 2005

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