A Start

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 28th October 2008

Characters: Nialyn, Birigundi
Description: Nialyn swallows her pride and fear and apologizes to Birigundi.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 12, day 1 of Turn 4
Notes: Follows events from "A Mistake"

Birigundi

Nialyn looked up from organizing her closet when she heard the door to her
weyr quietly open, then shut. Her suspicions about who had come in were
confirmed when she heard Lyndi's happy laugh and Birigundi's low croon.
She leaned her head against the wall for a moment, closing her eyes.
Shards. During the day for the past two sevendays, she'd gotten fairly
good at ignoring the guilt she felt for hurting him. But during the
evenings, when she didn't have wiping tables and stacking dirty dishes and
bowls to distract her, or when she wasn't seeing K'lar, it came creeping
back up into the forefront of her thoughts.

She had let her temper run away with her. Of course it had happened
before, but this was the first time she felt--and knew--that she was in
the wrong. Not completely, for he _had_ been an arse. But she hadn't
really meant what she'd snarled at him. Careful not to make a sound, she
peeked around the doorjamb. His back was to her, and she felt a lump rise
in her throat. When he would turn around, he wouldn't meet her eyes.
They would murmur civil "hellos" and "thank yous" and then he would make
his escape. An argument took two, but she had clinched it--_she_ had made
things awkward between them. It was up to her to make things bearable
again.

Taking a deep breath, and shoving away her pride, and fear, she cleared
her throat and stepped into the room.

Biri looked over his shoulder at the sound and murmured a half-hearted
"hello" before turning back to removing Lyndi's heavier outdoor winter
outfit.

Silently she watched him. "When...when you're done with that, can I talk
to you for a minute?"

His shoulders tensed slightly as he paused, Lyndi's boot still in his
hands. "Of course," he finally said, dreading the thought. What did he
do now? Biri didn't rush through changing her into her sleeping outfit.
He took his time tickling her belly and kissing her cheeks. Lyndi's mouth
opened in a gaping yawn and he knew he could not prolong the inevitable
forever. "Just let me put her down."

Nialyn nodded, slipping back into her bedroom to put the rest of her
clothes away. Shells, this was going to be hard.

He stood over his daughter watching her, tenderly tracing a finger along
her forehead and cheeks the way he knew would sooth her until she finally
drifted off to sleep. Taking a deep breath he walked into the bedroom,
his eyes glancing over to the bed that he and Nia and shared so many
nights. He could feel his stomach twist into a painful knot. "You needed
to speak to me?"

She nodded, closing the last drawer before turning around to look at him.
"I just... I wanted to say that I'm sorry."

Biri looked at her warily. "Sorry?"

"For what I said to you."

"Oh, that." He shrugged a shoulder as if it really weren't so big a deal.
"I forgot all about that."

Nialyn sighed. "No you didn't."

Well shards. He'd look like a fool if he denied it now. She knew him too
well. "Yeah, well, you're entitled to your opinion."

"Yeah, I know." She paused, clasping her hands together. "But what I
said...it's not true. You weren't a mistake, Biri."

"I don't know," he said, looking down at the toe of his boot rather than
looking up at her. "You seemed pretty convinced of that at the time."

"I was hurt and angry."

Biri crossed his arms over his chest. "I know. You seem to get that way
a lot with me."

"I know," she agreed quietly. "It's part of the reason why we... Why
things don't work anymore." Why they wouldn't.

"Well, that was your choice, not mine." Faranth knew he would do anything
if he could go back to that moment in Rigella's room when she had asked
him to stay with her. Nothing good came of that night. Not for him, not
for Rigella, and not for the child that was the result. Certainly not for
his relationship with Nia.

Shards, she didn't want to fight, but she couldn't help the sudden
irritability she felt. "We both want something different, and I won't
settle for less than I want."

This was an apology? "So you don't regret our relationship, but I was
less than what you wanted." No, that didn't hurt at all.

"Shard it, Biri, stop it!" She angrily raked her hand through her hair.
Shells, why couldn't he have just accepted the apology instead of making
her say things that would make them both angry all over again? "I _don't_
regret us. What I _do_ regret is you pinning it all on me. It wasn't all
my choice. You chose too! You wanted a different lifestyle than me. Why
should either of us settle for less than we want?"

"Because I am already settling for less than what I want. I want us to be
like we were. I want to stop fighting and hurting each other and...
and..." **And love each other like we once did...** Shards, he just
wanted to be a family again. "It doesn't matter. I wanted you. I wanted
to be with you. I wanted to make you happy, and I never wanted to hurt
you. But I guess it's as you say. We just both wanted different things."

"If you really wanted to make me happy all those months ago, you would've
stopped thrusting your other lovers under my nose. You would've stopped
sleeping around. I _wanted_ us. Just you, and me, and Lyndi--the three
of us together. But you didn't stop chasing the other girls. I wanted
you, Biri, but you didn't want me enough to stop. And I _won't_ be the
other woman. Not ever again."

He had known that was what she had wanted. And no, he hadn't stopped.
But he had also never made her any sort of promise. Birigundi had been
straightforward from the start and told her that he would be seeing other
women. It was a sharding Weyr! And he wasn't going to lose himself to
make her happy. It hadn't seemed worth it at the time. But now... No.
She hadn't even tried to understand. Why should he have been the one to
make all the concessions! This was his life, and he had made room in it
for her. It that was not enough... Shards, why did she have to want to
own him? Why wasn't it enough that he loved her above all others? "You
were never the other woman, Nia. They were. But it doesn't matter. I'm
sure your brownrider will be everything you ever hoped he would be." Part
of him hoped that was true. But it was only a small part, for if he was,
Nia would be happy with him in a way that Biri could never make her. That
thought made him feel empty inside.

Nialyn looked away. "I hope so too," she said softly. "I'm tired of
being alone."

Well, that was one nice thing about Birigundi's choice in lifestyle. He
was never alone unless he wanted to be. At least, in some ways. "I never
left you alone, Nia. You can't say I wasn't there when you needed me."
He had always dropped everything when he knew she needed him - and that
included lovers. None of them had mattered half as much to him as she
had.

"You're right," she conceded slowly. "But....even me needing you wasn't
enough for you to stay."

"I stayed, Nia," Birigundi replied softly. "I stayed."

**No,** she thought as she gazed at him. **You didn't. Not really.**
Shards, would they always talk about this whenever they saw each other?
It didn't help matters--it just made them worse. All she had wanted to do
was apologize and get rid of the awful wall between them so they could
continue on with their lives without being plagued relentlessly by guilt
and resentment. But she was beginning to wonder if things would ever go
beyond this stiff civility. Would there always be this sharding wall
between them? She'd be lying to herself if she told herself that she
didn't miss him. She did miss him. But she wasn't going to lower her
standards for him--she couldn't break the wall that way.

Nialyn knew by his expression that she'd hurt him again, and he was
searching her face for--something. For acknowledgment, maybe. For proof
that she hadn't been lying to him when she said she hadn't meant that
their relationship had been a mistake. If she could give him that, maybe
it would help ease this tension between them.

She took a small step closer. "You were there when I needed you the
most," she murmured. "When I was pregnant. I couldn't have done it
alone, Biri."

He stood silently searching her face a moment, wondering if he could
believe the compliment after so many painful words between them. But his
arms finally lowered to his sides and his expression softened. "I
couldn't leave you to go through that by yourself." He wouldn't have done
that to her, just as he couldn't do that to Rigella, though Nia would
never understand that. But it had been different with Nia. He wasn't
with her out of any sort of obligation. "I wanted to be there. For you."
Biri wondered if she wouldn't understand the words he could not say. It
was too much to admit, too large of a chink in his armor to expose to her
just yet. But he hoped she would understand without his saying it. He
searched her eyes, looking for any hint that she could grasp what he
really wanted to say. All those nights rubbing her back, putting up with
her food cravings and moodswings, holding her, kissing her, making love to
her - it hadn't been out of any sense of obligation. Lyndi was still only
an abstract thought. The only face he could see was Nia's, and she was
the one he had done it for.

What he said was true; she knew that. He had wanted to be there for
her...and she believed him. Nialyn raised her hand, hesitating for a
brief
moment before gently brushing the very tips of her fingers across the back
of his palm, showing that she accepted what he said.

It was almost instinctual as his hand turned to catch hers. Nothing felt
more natural after the months they had spent together, touching each other
in far more intimate ways. He could start to feel tears prick the corner
of his eyes as he could feel her warmth through his hand. Biri hadn't
realized just how empty his palm had felt until that moment. He didn't
want to let go of it, of her, but though they had found a crack in the
wall, they were still separated by the hurtful things said and done that
stood between them.

But it was a start.

Last updated on the November 1st 2008

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A Start