I Can't Lose You (2)

Writers: Dana, Eimi
Date Posted: 23rd June 2009

Characters: Traelyn, B'ram
Description: While dancing with B'ram, Traelyn thinks she sees someone she knows, and things don't end very well for the couple.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 3, day 15 of Turn 5

B'ram

Seething with temper, now more directed at herself rather than B'ram, Traelyn stalked down the corridor towards the brownrider's weyr. She'd made an ass of herself in all sorts of ways tonight, and it didn't help her mood that she couldn't pile all the blame for it on B'ram any longer--she was too clear-headed for that. He'd been an arse too, however, but he hadn't been the one searching the crowd for a former lover. She could understand where he had come from when he'd pushed her hard enough until she had finally lashed out. Oh yes. She understood jealousy far too well.

Grimacing, she whipped around yet another corner, turning right. She wouldn't blame him if he kicked her out of his weyr tonight before she got to say her piece. Shards, she deserved it for being such a flaming idiot--for letting her emotions run away with her, for acting so stupid. She should have known better. Of course U'kaiah wouldn't be here. He obviously didn't want her. But B'ram _did_ want her. He loved her. And here she was, screwing things up. Traelyn had a knack for it and it scared her. Yes, B'ram had every right to kick her out tonight, but she dared to hope that he wouldn't. She'd pushed him away and now she had to rein him back in again. She had to convince him that she was sorry otherwise this would hang between them for a long time. They would be going backwards, and she didn't want that. Not again.

B'ram stood on the opposite side of the door for a moment after he heard the knocking, wavering back and forth between opening it and making her stand out there until she realized that he had really meant it when he had told her that he would not stand to be yanked around by her again. He had always given in too easily to her before. That's probably why she thought she could just come crawling back to him as if she hadn't done anything wrong, as if she couldn't help herself. He shouldn't be so quick to believe her promises. After all, he'd had plenty of examples to prove just how much one of her promises was worth.

But what would she do if he didn't open up the door and at least pretend to believe her when she said she was sorry and would never do it again? She would not spend the night alone like he would, that was for sure. Trae would go back to the dance floor armed with her tale of woe, and would have no trouble finding some sharding wherry's ass to fall into her trap and be her great comforter. She'd do it. He believed she would. That image more than anything was what finally spurred him into action.

**But only to make her realize that I will not be treated like that again!** he assured himself as he pulled open the door.

She gazed at him silently, wondering how many times they had gone through this. Too many to count, that was for certain. She took in a deep breath, blew it out softly and asked quietly, "Can I come in?"

He blinked a few times before throwing his hands up helplessly and walking back into the room, knowing she'd follow as she always did, and knowing too that she had won as she always had. Any fight from here on out was purely symbolic and he had feeling they both knew it.

Leaning back against the closed door, she watched him. "I'm sorry, B'ram."

He nodded, walking over to his cabinet and grabbing two glasses. "You always are." Didn't seem to change anything though.

Anger flashed through her. "You don't believe me."

B'ram shrugged, pulling a bottle of something strong off a shelf. "You might be sorry now."

"I _might_ be?" She approached him, jaw tight. "I _am_."

"Then you are. But that never stops you, does it." He splashed some liquid in the glasses and handed one to her.

She took it but didn't drink. "From doing what?"

"From being you."

"What in Faranth's name is that supposed to mean?" she snarled, eyes flashing with reawakened temper.

He sipped at his drink calmly. "The one in front of you is never enough for you. Never has been, never will be."

Her dark eyes glittered dangerously, anger masking the fierce guilt that shot through her like ice. "I'm not the girl I was ten Turns ago!" It was so easy to outwardly deny it, but she couldn't lie to herself. Looking into his face she knew she couldn't lie to him either. And in knowing that, her anger heightened another notch and she swiftly turned away from him and his damnable calm to the living area, putting distance between them.

"No, you're not," he agreed as he followed her. "A _girl_ could almost be excused for that kind of behaviour."

"Go on then," she growled, plunking the glass of alcohol down on the table, some of it sloshing onto her hand. "List all my faults, B'ram. Go on! How else am I screwed up?" Shards, she wanted to shake him--to break him out of his quiet anger and make him yell at her. Hot, flaring tempers she could deal with--but she couldn't handle this cool, almost nonchalant mood that was riding him.

If she wanted a list of her transgressions, B'ram certainly had plenty of ideas. He set his glass down on the table next to hers and pointed an accusing finger in her face. "You _lied_ to me."

She glared at him.

Well, if she wasn't going to say anything, he had no problems continuing. "You tried to hide things from me! You tried to keep secrets from me! You treated me like one of those sharding dimglows that follow you around lapping up every single word! You treated me like I don't know you! Like I am just another convenient screw that can be pulled around at your whim!"

"You're blowing what happened downstairs completely out of proportion!" she shouted back. "I didn't _want_ to dwell on it, B'ram! I wanted to enjoy the evening with you, which is why I sharding kept brushing it off. It's _you're_ imagination that's running wild!"

"My imagination?" He pointed at his chest with a look of total disbelief. "You think I just _imgained_ you looking for other men? Did I imagine you _admitting_ you were looking for another man too?"

"Yes, I was looking! But not to leave you for him!"

B'ram slashed at the air with his hand, as if he could with the stroke of his hand cut away at all the lies she was trying to feed him. "It's only ever a step away with you!"

Furious, she stared at him. Well, she had broken him of his frosty anger. But what he chose to fling at her cut her deep. But perhaps it wasn't any less than what she deserved. "You don't trust me."

"Of course I don't trust you! I _know_ you!"

"And is this how it's always going to be, B'ram? You second-guessing every sharding thing I say to you?"

This time he had no angry come back. She had hit on the very question that had been running through his mind ever since he walked off that sharding dance floor. Was this always going to be the way it was between them? Would he always have to watch her and shepherd her to be _sure_ she wasn't screwing someone else behind his back like she had so many times before? With every painful question he had always come back to the same helpless conclusion. "I don't know. All I know is I can't lose you."

Crossing her arms over her chest, she looked away, still too angry with him to admit out loud that she couldn't lose him either. His answer to the question she'd flung at him was less than reassuring. But honestly, what could she possibly expect from him? Especially when there was mistrust running deep on both of their parts?

Well, that was it then. They had both said all they were going to say that night. B'ram picked up his glass once more and drained it in one burning swig. There was nothing left to say. Setting it back down on the table he walked without a word back towards his room. He knew one of two things would follow - either she'd seeth for a few minutes and follow after him, crawl into bed next to him and silently curl herself around him, wordlessly asking him to try to forget this whole night had ever happened and hope the next day they could start afresh, or, she would storm out of his room in a snit and he would spend the rest of the night wondering if she would spend it alone like he would or if she would find her mysterious man just to spite him. Which ever way she chose, their
night was definitely over.

B'ram indeed knew Traelyn well, for she was debating between those two options as she watched him disappear into his room. A long, frustrated breath hissed between her teeth and she clenched her jaw tightly. Sharding B'ram! Was it really so wrong for her to have hoped they would have been able to move beyond this now--these rages brought about by jealousy? Perhaps it had been wrong of her to assume--to hope. They both might have come a long way in their relationship but many things still remained the same; the ugly things, like jealousy and possessiveness. Really, it all came down to a matter of trust, and she knew that he had legitimate reasons for not believing her.

Traelyn had lied to him, it was true. When she'd said she hadn't wanted to "dwell" on it, what she had really done was the opposite. She had searched the throng to make sure the man she'd glimpsed hadn't been U'kaiah. B'ram knew her far too well--he knew when she was lying, or when she was speaking only half-truths. He had every sharding reason to be suspicious of her, for her lying dated back to when they were youths at Far Island. Closing her eyes, she rubbed her temples. She'd never be able to escape that part of herself. She may not be that girl any longer, but that girl had shaped her into the woman she'd become. Her smile was self-deprecating. A woman who was a promiscuous liar.

But unlike B'ram, U'kaiah hadn't seen her that way. And it had been with him--and only him--where she could still her tumultuous thoughts and become someone more than who B'ram thought her to be...who she thought herself to be. Shards, how she wished.... Guilt shot through her, and she glanced unhappily towards B'ram's bedroom. It didn't flaming matter what she wished. U'kaiah wasn't here any longer. Shaking her hair out of her eyes, she firmly shoved memories of the bronzerider to the back of her mind. She'd been a fool to even let him trickle into her thoughts tonight. B'ram was her here and now, and she admitted to herself again that she couldn't lose him. If she lost him...Faranth, she didn't know what she would do. The man might be able to get under her skin to make her writhe uncomfortably for his own gain, and he might be able to provoke her temper with frightening ease and arrogant skill, but she loved him. Even when she was spitting and snarling like an enraged dragon queen, she knew that when they were finished yelling at each other, he would still be the one she would curl up in bed with later that same night.

She knew that he half-expected her to walk out on him tonight. And she had to admit that a part of her was sorely tempted to. But she couldn't face the night alone with only her thoughts and memories that should be suppressed for company. Defiantly she strode to his bedroom, stopping when she saw that he had the covers on her side of the bed turned down, ready for her to slide into. She met his eyes very briefly before she dropped them, not quite guiltily, hands going to the ties of her bodice. She was aware of him watching her as she stepped out of the dress, and clad in nothing but her shift and long hair, she slipped into bed beside him to complete his earlier prediction.

Last updated on the July 4th 2009

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I Can't Lose You (2)