What Do You Want? (1)

Writers: Devin, Dana
Date Posted: 12th September 2009

Characters: N'vanik, Traelyn
Description: A drunk N'vanik visits Traelyn, and they argue yet again.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 4, day 12 of Turn 5

N'vanik

He gripped the flask in one hand and pounded on the Weyrwoman's door with the other. }:Please calm down,:{ Loseth said. When his rider continued to ignore him, he appealed to the Queen instead.

}:Nyith, he won't listen to me. Please ask yours to help.:{

Moments later, the door was yanked open and Traelyn stood there, dark eyes flashing with temper brought on by anxiety as she stared at him--his wild eyes and the alcohol bottle in the other hand. "N'vanik, what in Faranth's name...."

"I want a list," he said. "A nice long list, of all the reasons I'm not good enough."

She could smell his drink on him. "Not good enough for what?"

"For you, for --" He swallowed. "For anyone. Just tell me. Tell me what an ass I am. Tell me why I'll always be a sharding failure." He paused to take a drink.

By Faranth's Shell.... Grinding her teeth--and doing her best to rein in her anger--she held out her hand. "First, you're going to hand that over to me right now. And then you're going to go sit on my sofa and we're going to talk like civilized people." _Sober_, civilized people. What she really wanted to do was snarl at him for barging into her weyr for _this_, but for now she would remain as calm as possible.

He held the flask away from her. "C'mon, Trae. You know how to hurt me, so _do_ it!" Was she going to deny him even this?

"Don't be a prick! You're drunk, and if you came here looking for a fight, you came to wrong woman."

"I don't want a fight. I want you to tell me all the things that are wrong with me." He blinked as the world shifted a little. "And I'll take it. Cause I deserve it."

"Well for starters, you barge into women's weyrs drunk and demanding answers to inane questions," she snapped.

"Good start. Keep it comin'." N'vanik took another drink.

Frustrated, she shook her head and turned from the door to go over to the sofa. She sat down, arms crossed over her breasts. Eying him, she wondered what event had taken place tonight to send him spiraling off the edge. Maybe if he talked, he'd shake this sharding mood that was riding him. All she needed was patience. She took in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. Patience. "What happened, N'vanik?"

With a sigh, he walked into the weyr. After a few steps, he backtracked to close the door, surprising himself that he remembered to do that. "Why do you have to make everything harder than it has to be?" His speech was a little slow as he pronounced the words carefully. "You treat me like I'm nothing, and now you can't even insult me like ... like ... like you should."

She watched him silently, but inside she fervently denied his words. "What happened?"

He didn't have the energy to argue. "I told her ... I said she didn't love me enough. I scorched it like I always do." Where was she now? Back at her weyr? Was she ok?

}:She hurts, but she's ok,:{ Loseth said, picking up on his rider's thoughts.

That was....harsh. Traelyn frowned. "Why did you say that to her?"

"Because I'm a selfish, sharding dimglow, that's why." He took another drink.

She wondered if he'd started drinking before or after he'd said that to Talryne. "Yeah, that was one flaming piece of shard to throw at her, N'vanik."

The room looked a little wobbly, so he made his way to a chair and collapsed into it. "Yeah. I don't deserve her. I never did. I hurt her because she hurt me, instead of just sharding _talking_ ..." He'd let the distance between them grow and grow, and now this.

Traelyn couldn't very well chastise him for lashing out. She did the same thing when she was hurt or angry. And usually the two emotions went hand in hand. Talking about what was on her mind had never been one of her stronger points, and obviously it wasn't his either. But she'd known that for Turns. "Have you thought that maybe you should go try to talk to her now instead of getting smashed in my weyr?"

"She probably doesn't want to see me after what I said." He shook his head. "I thought it hurt before, but it's so much worse now. Maybe she'll find someone better than me."

Shards, his self-pity was irritating. "You don't want to try for her? Is that what you're saying?"

"I don't know ... I don't know." It was hard to think, to make sense. "I should have told her when she got rid of it. Before. I should've said something. But I thought she would keep it just cause I wanted it. I wanted _her_ to want it." N'vanik wasn't sure if he was explaining it to Trae or himself.

He wasn't making any sense at all. "Keep what?"

"The baby," he said quietly.

Traelyn's breath hitched. Oh, shards and shells.... This changed everything. "Oh, N'vanik...."

"I thought she didn't love me enough cause she didn't want it." His voice dropped until it was almost a whisper. "But it was ours. It was ours." He closed his eyes and felt hot tears on his cheeks.

Her earlier anger and frustration forgotten, she rose from the sofa to kneel next to him. She rested a hand gently on his arm, wondering what she could say to him to ease his grief. There was really only one thing she could say, and she wished it could be enough. "I'm sorry, N'vanik," she murmured. "I'm sorry."

He rubbed a hand across his eyes and looked down at her. "Would you have kept it? If it was ours?"

"Yes." There was no hesitation in her, and her expression was almost fierce as she gazed up at him. She would never abort another baby. Never again.

He blinked at her. "Why?"

She glanced away, hesitating now. It wasn't something she liked to think about, let alone talk about with others. It was so personal, and so painful. But he deserved honesty. Taking a deep breath, she said quietly, "Because I was in her position once. And I made the same decision she did." She paused, searching for the right words. "I.... To this day, I regret it."

"Oh." He was quiet for a moment. "That might not have been so bad. A baby."

"I know," she whispered.

"Then it would've meant something." He played with the flask but didn't drink. "What we had."

Last updated on the September 13th 2009

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What Do You Want? (1)