What Do You Want? (2)

Writers: Devin, Dana
Date Posted: 12th September 2009

Characters: N'vanik, Traelyn
Description: A drunk N'vanik visits Traelyn, and they argue yet again.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 4, day 12 of Turn 5

N'vanik

Shocked, she stared at him. Obviously her thoughts hadn't followed his. Shaking her head, she moved her hand to the top of his and squeezed his fingers gently. "It _did_ mean something. To both of us." And it had. "And...and I think we still have something. It's different, but it's still there." They weren't physical lovers, but they had a connection.

"I only matter to you when you need a Weyrleader. I could be any bronzerider and it wouldn't make a difference to you." He should have known better than to get drunk and visit Trae. Alcohol made him talk too much.

Temper flared. "Stop it. You are not _just_ another bronzerider to me."

"Then why do you treat me like an afterthought?"

Faranth, he knew she was in a relationship with B'ram! Just like he was in a relationship with Talryne. Frustrated, she sat back on her heels. "What do you sharding want from me, N'vanik?"

"I want you to act like me being here makes a sharding difference." His hand tightened on the flask. "I came here for you, Trae. For _you_." Open Flights were rare, but there had been others and he'd never tried for them. He'd never wanted to, until Traelyn made the offer.

"Of _course_ it makes a difference! We have a past. We get each other. We don't have to dance around issues to get our points across. What I don't understand is what you want from me!"

"Words, words! Is that all you have? I'm not some -- some ornament you can pull out when you need it. You don't _talk_ to me. You don't _look_ at me. You _say_ I matter, but you _act_ like you wish I'd go away!" This was pointless, just like everything else lately. He lifted the flask for a drink.

"How?" she snarled, finally giving in to her anger. "By not inviting you to my bed? You think I don't care about you because of that?"

"You haven't given me anything else! Even when you were pissed at me, you used to sleep with me. At least I could pretend that I meant something to you." His stomach hurt, and he told himself it was just the alcohol.

Traelyn surged to her feet and glared down at him but refrained from yelling. She knew he was in a fragile state now. He was drunk and hurting emotionally. But shards! He had Talryne. Ever since Dragonsfall he'd made it abundantly clear that she came first in his life. And Traelyn certainly wasn't going to compete with the dragonless girl for N'vanik. She had accepted her role in his life far more easily than she would have if she hadn't had U'kaiah or B'ram--she knew that. U'kaiah was gone now, but B'ram was still there. Perhaps...perhaps that was why N'vanik was lashing out now. Her place with B'ram was secure the way his with Talryne wasn't. He needed someone, and he wanted her. "I want you to think long and hard over the past Turns, N'vanik. About us. If you still need sharding proof after all this time, I honestly don't know what to say to you."

He swallowed. "It's always the past, isn't it? There is no now." N'vanik closed his eyes, squeezed them shut, as if he could make the world go away. "Have you ever looked at someone and thought they couldn't possibly ..." He shook his head.

"...Couldn't possibly what?" she asked quietly.

It hurt to even think it, let alone say it. It was humiliating. But that was what he'd come for. Let her laugh or scoff or throw him out. That was what he deserved for hurting Tal, for putting that look on her face. Why not say it then? Why not put it all out there? N'vanik opened his eyes, but couldn't bring himself to look up. "Love you, as much as you love them."

"I think everyone wonders that," she whispered. The enormity of his admission wasn't lost on her. There could be only a few--very few--individuals who could claim a part of him. She knew Talryne was one of them, but she was one of them too.

"Everyone but you. You've got men falling over each other to get to you." He was just another one in the chase. How pathetic.

She shook her head. He should know better than that. "And most of them want only one thing from me. Or two things, if they're bronzeriders." Sex, and her favor for the next time Nyith rose to mate. "But I only let a few in. You're one of them, N'vanik."

"Do you mean that, or are you just saying it?" he asked quietly. She'd let him in, a little, in the past, but now it felt like he had been shut out.

"I mean it."

It was hard to believe, but shards, he wanted to. He reached up to take her hand. All at once he felt so exhausted. "Give me some hope, Trae. Give me ... something."

Traelyn came closer. She understood the need to feel secure in a relationship--any kind of relationship, platonic or romantic. Theirs fell somewhere in between. What he needed was reassurance that she cared for him, that he wasn't alone...especially apparently since things were so rocky with Talryne. Gently she squeezed his fingers as she reached out to stroke back a lock of his hair.

As he looked up at her, she blurred. For a second he thought it was an effect of the alcohol, but then the tears spilled over and slid down his cheeks. He tried to speak, but he didn't know what to say. All he knew was that he hurt, and Trae's small gesture was enough to make that pain spill over.

}:You know I love you. I will love you forever,:{ Loseth told him.

It unnerved her a little to see him like this. She knew how to handle his anger, but she could count on one hand how many times he had cried in front of her. She didn't know what to say, but words about him, or Talryne, or her, weren't what he needed right now. Moving even closer, she ran her fingers through his hair again, soothingly, letting him know without words that he could take what he needed from her.

He tried to get to his feet. He didn't know what he was going to do when he got there, but he didn't make it anyway. All he managed was to slide from the chair onto the floor. He was too drunk, too emotionally exhausted. The flask followed him down, hitting the floor with a plink. The tears kept coming, mostly silent, and he stayed where he was, kneeling on the floor between the chair and Trae.

Shards.... She knelt. "N'vanik? N'vanik, come on," she murmured. "Here, I'll help you."

Leaning on her, he slowly got to his feet. His stomach rolled, but he got it under control. Wouldn't that just be a perfect ending to the night: throwing up on the Weyrwoman? As if he wasn't pathetic enough already.

}:Stop that!,:{ Loseth grumbled. }:You are sad and hurt, and that isn't wrong. Nyith's will help you. Let her help you.:{

Traelyn led him to the bedroom. He was heavy, but she managed to slowly ease him down onto the bed. Then she perched next to him, watching his face closely. "You can stay here tonight." He needed to sleep it all off--all the pain, the regret, the anxiety...not to mention the alcohol. "...If you want to."

He rubbed a hand against his face, tasted salt. "I shouldn't." If Tal ... if she needed help, she wouldn't come here. He didn't move, though.

She shrugged a smooth shoulder. He was in such a state, both mentally and physically, she thought he really shouldn't go anywhere...unless it was straight to Talryne. But perhaps showing up drunk and emotionally rung out wasn't such a great idea. "It's up to you."

He wasn't sure he could leave, if he wanted to. Not without help, anyway. His body begged him to give in and go to sleep. "Where will you sleep?"

"Right here." She got up and started moving pillows around and pulling back the soft blankets to make room for the both of them. If B'ram knew, he wouldn't like it. But to shells with that. N'vanik wasn't fit to go anywhere, she certainly wasn't going to make him sleep on the sofa, and she was going to sleep in her own bed. The softer, less practical side of her had to admit that it might help him if there was a warm body of someone who he cared about, and who cared for him, next to him throughout the night.

"'kay." N'vanik tilted, then sank onto his side and closed his eyes. He wished the pain and uncertainty would all go away. Sleep. He needed sleep.

Last updated on the September 13th 2009

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What Do You Want? (2)