Someday

Writers: Ames, Clancey
Date Posted: 22nd March 2011

Characters: Cardella, J'darin
Description: Cardella decides to ask J'darin why he has been ignoring her, making the bronzerider take a hard look at how he really feels.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 1, day 18 of Turn 6

Cardella

J'darin

She had been watching him from across the room, a slight frown on her face. Of all people, she never expected him to change towards her after she Impressed.
}:Why do you worry so, mine?:{ A sleepy Awenth asked her rider as she sensed her thoughts. **Nothing to worry about Awenth, just thinking of a friend of mine.** She could sense that Awenth was not happy to know Cardella was even slightly unhappy about anything.

She tried harder to shield some of her thoughts from her green, but it was hard to do. Cardella had been told that it was something that took much time and practice, but she didn't want Awenth to worry.
Her eyes darted back over to the man who had been her first friend here at the Weyr. Sure, he'd been teaching the lessons and treating her like a weyrling, but she could have sworn he was avoiding her. He talked to the other weyrlings, even joked with them, but with her, he seemed almost cold and distant and always in a hurry to get away. Had she done something to offend him? Was he disappointed in her for some reason? She fingered the cup she drank from, and considered going over to ask him, but no, that wouldn't be right, would it?
J'darin noted her frown and mentally sighed. It was hard, but he needed to treat her like any other weyrling. He recognized the feelings in himself and needed to squash them. Unfortunately, that might involve hurting her a little and while he did not want to do that, he didn't know what else to do. As the months had gone on, he had had to fight harder to not tell her.

Since their very serious, personal talk, he'd spent some time with her here and there, and had to listen to Hasaarth talk about her. His fool dragon liked her and that didn't help anything. She was half his age, and now, his student. But she seemed so grown up sometimes - not that day they'd talked, but so many other times.

The worst part was she seemed to be doing as well as he'd ever thought she might. He wanted to smile at her and nod encouragingly, but he forced the feeling away and turned to address another weyrling who had a question.

He knew he would have to talk to her soon, but he couldn't tell her _why_ he had been acting so oddly. That would just confuse her. He was fairly certain she did not look on him _that_ way. He knew she had had a romance prior to Impression.

But now... now... they were coming closer to Senior Weyrlings. And that made him nervous. Pretty soon he couldn't talk himself out of talking to her for "her own good". Pretty soon, there would be no reason why he couldn't talk to her. But he was scared... scared of that rejection he knew he'd see. Maybe he'd even make her sick! He wasn't _old_ but he was twice her age.

Shards, he knew better. He knew _way_ better...but he turned back to her and gave in, smiling at her once, almost like his old smile. He wasn't going to talk to her, and he was pretty sure he didn't want _her_ coming to him - that would lead the same place.

She'd seen the smile, and her eyes opened wide and she breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he _wasn't_ upset with her after all. Picking up her drink, she moved across the room.

Since he was around some of the other weyrlings, she addressed him as such, "Werylingmaster J'darin? Do you have a moment?" She still was a bit uncertain, and wanted to make sure he really, truly, wasn't disappointed in her. The smile had given her the opening and the courage she needed to ask him.

Cursing himself again in his mind, he turned from the group of weyrlings to her. He nodded to her, and gave a faint smile. What was he going to say to her _now_? He frankly had no idea. Maybe he could say he was afraid of showing favoritism....Ugh. He was far old enough to know better than this, and still cursing himself in his mind, he said, "Of course, Cardella. Do you have a question on the lesson?"

She glanced at the others a bit nervously, biting her bottom lip. Did she want to ask him anything in front of them? Not really. "Um," she glanced at the others again and then decided to forget about her initial intentions, "I just wanted to thank you for teaching us, that's all," she hurriedly spat out the words and then caught a look from one of her fellow werylings who clearly thought she was trying to win some favoritism with the weyrlingmaster.

The entire time she was there, looking at him and speaking to him, he had been vibrating inside. Faranth! Don't let her ask me about my .. attitude! In the same breath, he wished the other weyrlings were not so close, so he could tell her, make her see...

In his mind, he could feel Hasaarth's confusion over his own mental anguish. The bronze simply did not understand. He told the young dragons when he admired them, when he thought they did well. He did not understand why his rider did not do the same with this
hatchling and her rider.

Well, that shows what his dragon knows. Hmmph.
He breathed a sigh - obviously - of relief and allowed himself to smile warmly at her when she thanked him for teaching.

"Thank you lass. I enjoy it... most of it. Its much nicer teaching you how to fight Thread then sending you out to actually do it." His smile lingered on her half a second too long; perhaps, or perhaps not, encouraging the favoritism image.

All he could hope was that his mental thoughts didn't show on his face!

She smiled. This was more like the J'darin she felt she knew. "I hope I didn't interrupt anything. I can go if you'd like." She pointed over her shoulder. Sure, she hadn't been able to ask him the question that was bothering her, but at least he'd given her more than a few seconds of attention. Maybe she'd only be imagining the fact that he was ignoring her. That had to be it. She was likely just over reacting.

"I know I'm not ready to fight Thread," her voice held a hint of wonder and fear. The mighty Thread was a scary beast for sure, even with Awenth by her side, Thread was frightening.

She almost turned and left, but then, she looked back at him and blurted out, "I hope I haven't done something to offend you of late." Her eyes opened a bit wide at her own tenacity and she quickly looked away, feeling foolish.

"I'm not ready for any of you to fight Thread, Cardella." He said quietly, a world of pain hidden just behind those words. As they were talking, the other weyrlings had gone back to their lesson. Maybe sensing, especially after Cardella's question blurted out, that they should be _elsewhere_ for a little while.

But that left them a little more alone. Ugh. What do you say to her now, you fool?

}:I am confused. Tell her you like her and she flies well. that is what I tell her Awenth. :{

Oh bother. Now his dragon was giving him love advice.

**Shutup bronze idiot. You do not understand. **

He swallowed and found a smile for her while he wrestled his conscience...err....dragon... to quietness.

"Of course not, Cardella. You're a wonderful student and will be a fine rider. And Awenth is a beauty and will grow more beautiful yet. Hasaarth is very fond of both of you, as am I." Those were the words he said, anyway, but his eyes were fairly burning with intensity. "I'm sorry if I made you feel that way.... training weyrlings is rewarding, but more painful in many ways than many duties, even being Weyrleader. After all, I'm teaching you all how to risk your lives and your dragons lives, and sometimes, that isn't so fun." His smile faltered as that very real truth sank into his mind.

Someday, he might tell her how he got quietly, stupidly drunk every time he graduated a class of Weyrlings. Someday he might tell her how hard it had been to put them into fighting wings before they reached 16 turns at Dolphin Cove, but knowing he needed to do it to save more lives. Knowing that he needed to give up his precious lives to save others, not dragonriders, but the people they were supposed to protect.

Someday he might tell her that it broke his heart at the same time it made him swell with pride when he saw them fly and meet Thread successfully for the first time.

Someday he might tell her how many times Hasaarth had been the only thing that saved him from taking them both /between/ when the keening for one of his weyrlings was heard.

Someday he might tell her that even bronzeriders cry.

Someday.

But for now, he could only smile and try to not to hurt her anymore, no matter the cost to himself.

So he smiled.

She, of course, had no idea the inner turmoil that he was going through. Rather, Cardella heard and felt that J'darin was not angry or upset with her, but rather concerned about hers and all the weyrlings' well-being.

She blushed slightly at his words of praise. When she raised her eyes to him again though, she was smiling, pleased to know she had made him proud of her in some small way. "Thank you, J'darin, for your kind words." She reached out and gently touched his arm, with no idea what he was thinking. "We chose to come here and Stand. It was our choice to Impress a dragon, so in the end it was our choice to risk our lives for Pern, and each other." She felt a bit foolish, almost as though she were reassuring the Weyrlingmaster. She quickly dropped her hand and clamped her hands together, not wishing to think her words silly or childish. She _knew_ how dangerous things would be and she _didn't_ really want to face it, but she _had_ agreed to this. She would never go back on such a promise.

"I'll see you in class then," Cardella said, feeling a bit more at ease now that she had spoken to him again.

Yes, his internal conversation would go unnoticed, and he would be glad it had.

He smiled once more and nodded. "Yes, you will, lass. Keep up the good work."

Tension drained out of him as their conversation ended and he went to distract himself with more work and a pair of squabbling weyrlings.

Last updated on the April 3rd 2011

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Someday