A Talk With J'darin

Writers: Ames, Clancey, Len
Date Posted: 1st April 2011

Characters: J'darin, G'wen, Cardella
Description: Cardella drags G'wen to a surprising source for help with mating flight worries.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 1, day 23 of Turn 6

J'darin

Cardella

"Come on," she hissed, pulling G'wen by the sleeve. It was bad enough
that she had suggested they talk to J'darin about their mixed up
emotions and feelings over what they both knew was coming, but
Cardella didn't want the _whole_ Weyr to know their intent. "You know
J'darin won't bite!" She tugged him a bit harder and knocked on the
door before he could protest. She was determined to prove to him that
he _was_ worthy of attention and try and ease both of their fears over
what would soon be happening for them both.

The knocking on the door brought him out of his deep focus on a stack
of hides. He didn't think he was expecting anyone, but his door was
always open for whoever, weyrlings or riders, or whoever. Oak
chittered from his post curled around the chair behind J'darin.
He pushed away the stack of hides he was reading and called out, "Come in!"

"Don't you think E'naer who have been the better choice to talk to
about this," G'wen hissed back at Cardella, feeling a bit resentful
that she was dragging him into this.

And all over a few throwaway remarks! Hey, he wasn't stupid. If, up
until he was almost 17, he had been a virgin in a Weyr full of gay
men, then he knew--he_knew_--that in no way was he considered
in_any_way a good match for anyone. He was too small, too young
looking, too pretty when everyone wanted handsome to even get a flirt
or a come on. And Cardella being upset that he knew his own worth and
was honest about it wasn't going to change anything.

And J'darin of all people! All that would happen is he would splutter
over any thought of G'wen having Flight Sex and probabaly tell him to
suck it up, and then turn all his attention to leering at Cardella.
The boy hadn't missed some of those 'looks' the Weyrlingmaster had
thrown the girl's way.

**Neath! Wake up and do something to get me out of this! Neath?
Neath?** Great, of all the times for her to be sound asleep.

He glared at Cardella as the voice on the other side said to come in.
Pushing the door open, he paused for her to go in first.

When the two weyrlings walked in, J'darin had to fight off a grin.
If the body language he was seeing was right, G'wen was not happy to
be coming to see the Weyrlingmaster. But the Weyrlingmaster was happy
to see both of them. Admittedly, he was happier to see Cardella, even
while he wished for Dyaera or Zelle to kick him hard under the table
to make him stop that kind of happiness.

As they both entered his office, he waved them to chairs at his desk
and even pulled his around to the front to join them. They weren't
in trouble, he hadn't asked them here, and that meant they had
questions. Being closer to them, being approachable, would help them
ask whatever questions were on their mind.

"Hello younglings. Sit down, hmm? I'll get some juice and you can
tell me what brings you to my door today?"

"Hello, J'darin," Cardella said with a smile. She was much happier
around him again after their talk at the beginning of the month. "I
hope you don't mind our visit, but, well, you see," she paused,
chewing her lower lip a bit as she contemplated what to say to him.
Sliding into the seat, she folded her hands in her lap and sighed.
"Well, G'wen and I are both a bit nervous about what all is coming
next and well," she turned and looked at G'wen, "I think we may need a
little pep talk."

G'wen studied his glass with no small interrest and let the girl do
all the talking. In his mind, E'naer was the more logical choice. He
certainly was more mothering than the Weyrlingmaster would be.

J'darin nearly spit out his juice but managed to not show it too
obviously. He was surprised - not that Cardella had come, they had
talked like this before - but more that she had brought G'wen with
her, and the poor lad really looked unhappy to have been brought.

He thought he might know what his favorite green weyrling meant by
"coming next" but he wanted to make sure, even while he had to fight
off a very large grin. Oh, if only he could send Hasaarth after her
Awenth! Shards! Coming back to himself, he finally said, with an
eyebrow raised curiously, "Do you mean becoming Senior Weyrlings and
first mating Flights, Cardella? We can certainly talk about that in
more detail than we do in class. Its scary for most, even weyrbred
younglings like G'wen here." He smiled gently, hoping to draw G'wen
out.

"What exactly are you nervous about?" He paused and went on, adding.
"And please, both of you understand that what we discuss in here is
private. I do not discuss any of these types of things with anyone
else, even E'naer, and I will do my best to help you. So, whats going
on in your heads, hmm? What horrid stories have you heard?"

G'wen rolled his eyes and waited for Cardella to speak. He had heard
enough horror stories in his life to scare anyone but he was curious
if his friend had heard any. She hadn't said, and he put her fear
more down to Holder inhabitions, like they had talked about. His fear
was more the actual physical pain.

"Horror stories?" She asked a bit naively. "I, um, well, I know some
things might go wrong, but, horror stories? It's _that_ bad?" She
thought she was going to have to run off with Awenth after all. "I
think I'd rather be anywhere else than here when the time comes. I
mean, I just don't know, I," she sighed, wishing G'wen was being a bit
more helpful in this discussion, but knowing he had been unhappy with
her in the first place. "I don't want to have to _do_ things with a
stranger," she finally whispered, looking down at her hands,
embarrassed beyond belief and feeling the sting of tears at the back
of her throat. She manged to hold back her tears, though they burned
her throat in the process.

Feeling a bit of a jerk, G'wen reached over and held her hand lightly
in his. He could see that she was trying not to cry and honestly felt
bad, both for seeing his friend in distress and for his pissy
behaviour with her. Clearing his throat but keeping his eyes firmly
fixed on the girl, he said, "sir, I think what she and I are feeling
is...well...any sort of fear that we may be taken by someone we don't
know at_all_or someone who may be unhappy with the situation they find
themselves in and take it out on us. Or even waking up and finding
out that they already have done just that...by being rough." He
glanced at the Weyrlingmaster and shrugged his shoulders.

His voice softened as he looked at both of them, understanding for
both of their feelings on his face, clear to see. "Do not be
embarassed or concerned about your fears, either of you." He paused
a moment, taking a sip. "Please believe me when I say it will not be
horrible. There is, in fact, a great feeling of satisfaction from
the complete melding of dragon and rider that occurs during a mating
flight." He thought a moment, considering how best to explain it to
them, taking both their preferences into account.

"For that time, in both your cases, when your green is caught, the
rider of the dragon who won will not _be_ a stranger. They will only
be the thing, the piece that you've been missing and wanting for so
long. You find completion without even knowing who it is in a way
that is complete outside the normal way of relating between the furs."
He paused. "Now that is not to say, G'wen, that there will not be
rough times, or times that you would rather take back. But roughness
of the sort I think you mean is not common. It does happen..." And
had not too long ago; they had all heard the stories.

"But because both participants in the flight are at the same level of
need, if there is roughness, it is more often only the ... ahh.. good
kind." He smiled at that, his eyes warming with memories of his own
times as a winner.

"As far as being ..not happy with the situation... let me share with
you something from my own experience." His cheeks heated, but he
thought both of them...but especially G'wen... might need to hear it.

"For me, when Hasaarth catches a green who's rider is male, like G'wen
here, I am completely outside myself during that frenzied finish to
the Flight. If it were not for Hasaarth, I would most certainly not
seek out or desire or enjoy male companionship of that kind, but
because he is finding happiness, so do I. Once the lust passes, you
come mostly back to yourself and then, of course, you are free to
leave to find your own preferred companion, or stay if you choose. I
cannot tell you that I ever feel happy emotionally for _myself_ after
one of those flights, but I do feel happy for Hasaarth, and for me,
that is enough. Of course, I always leave to find a willing woman if I
have more need, but that is me. But I leave peacefully and friendly,
though typically a little faster than my partner may prefer. Again,
that is not to say every rider is perfectly behaved after a flight.
But most of the time, they are nice enough. " He wanted to continue
but decided to shut up. He had just shared something very personal,
after all, and he wasn't sure yet if it was the thing they needed to
hear, or not.

G'wen's support really made a world of difference. Cardella gave him a
half a smile. Heaving a sigh, she looked up at both of them. "I know
I'll deal with it...somehow."

Taking in the Weyrlingmaster's words, G'wen carefully reached for his
own, talking in a slower than normal manner. "I understand what
you're saying. The thing though is...this feeling of disgust any
rider of a potential bronze or even brown is going to be directing
towards me. It just seems so cruel. I can't help being who I am, and
I can't help being Neath's lifemate...and there is now this potentical
of not only having to deal with the normal Flight stuff but also this
thing of having to deal with someone who may dislike me...and not for
being me but just for being the one that was caught. And I'm so
small...how am I going to be certain that I'll be protected if
something does go very wrong?"

Cardella swallowed and finally managed to look up at both of them.
Hearing G'wen voice his concerns seemed to give her strength. She'd
heard J'darin's words, but had needed some time to process them.
G'wen's concerns seemed so much more valid than hers. Here, she was
just struggling with how to forgo turns of training from her mother,
when G'wen was dealing with a very real concern of safety. She reached
for and patted his arm as though trying to console him in return for
all he'd done to her.

"J'darin, thank you for sharing your story with us. I wish I could say
I could stop worrying, but it's hard to put turns of being told what
is right and wrong behind me." She wanted to ask him if he'd be there
for her _after_ to help her through _that_ time as well, for she felt
she would need an understanding pair of arms around her. J'darin made
her feel safe. "Is there anything we can do to, well, make sure we're
protected like G'wen said?" She squirmed in her seat at the very
thought of someone being less than gentle with her or with her friend.

J'darin frowned a little over both G'wen and Cardella's concerns,
considering how best to address them each.
He decided to start with G'wen.

"I completely understand G'wen, but I expect you will find much less
of that disgust you are speaking about than you think. Will there be
bronzes or even browns that catch Neath? Absolutely, though to be
honest, a blue will be far more common. Will some of the bronze or
brown riders have that reflex action? Yes, some. But I can tell you
that even if I feel it - which I usually do not - I would never let it
to show to the male rider of a green who Hasaarth just caught.
You're just...outside yourself... " He paused, knowing he really
wasn't finding the right words. "I'm a little surprised that you are
worried about disgust, to be honest. You must know that prejudice
against men who like men virtually ceases to exist among dragonriders
precisely because we know we might wind up in bed together sometime.
It definitely gives you perspective on sex that you do not get in Hold
life. Is there some? Sure. We're all human and many from Holds.
But we become dragonriders before everything else, after a time. You
will understand as you and Neath grow closer, I promise." He was not
dismissing the boys concerns, nor telling him it was no big deal.
But, rather, trying to show him his worries were really ...less of a
worry ... than he thought.

"You do not need to worry about being ... protected, either of you."
He included Cardella in his gaze. "Beating up and bullying is fairly
close to non-existent among the riders. You might get a bad look or
two, or a hurtful word, and you will probably definitely get some
bruises. But I get bruises in the middle of a Flight, and sometimes
give them. But they are the _good_ kind of bruises." He grinned at
them. " While you are outside yourself, it is not so much that you
become an animal. It is a joyous union, G'wen and Cardella, not a
scary or horrible or rough one. The happiness of your dragons take
you over and since you are _one_ with your dragon at that time moreso
than any other time, the happiness bleeds strongly into you and your
partner, whoever they may be. In any case, half the time, you are
down in the Flight room and not your weyr, so its not like you're in
privacy that would allow some sort of ..bad reaction. IN addition,
every rider of a bronze or brown knows that at some point they will be
in this very situation with a greenrider like you, G'wen. Or even
with you, Cardella, and maybe liking girls a little too much. We are
taught about Flights, we experience them often, we know its going to
happen. No one is _surprised_ by the strength of a Flight. I've
been a bronzerider for 17 turns and served at two Weyrs. In that
time, I've heard of only two instances that were worrisome. Only
_two_. I tell you both that to hope you find peace about it and
trust your dragons, please."

"I understand you a little better, Cardella, I'll admit. I felt like
you when I first arrived at the Weyr, too. And G'wen, I struggled
with the male/male Flights as much as any boy who likes girls for the
furs and boys for drinking partners, not vice versa. I can tell you
that Hasaarth's happiness is so much a part of a Flight for me that
for that time, it ceases to matter. All that matters is finding
pleasure in each other the way your dragons are doing in the sky
above." His cheeks heated again. Most flights were rough, and fast,
and serious, but all in good ways. "You will find that much ceases
to matter where your dragons are concerned. Much."

He paused to take a sip of juice before going on. "Cardella, your
truths about right and wrong are going to be shaken. I can promise
you that. I grew up the same as you, but today I have learned how to
live with the truths of the Weyr. In a Weyr, whats right is whats
right for your dragon and your wingmates, and that does not
necessarily line up with what is right in a Hold. That is _not_ to
say we are better or more right than Holders. But we ARE different.
Our dragons set us apart. We give up much to have them for
lifemates, but we get _so_ much in return." He knew he sounded like
a cliche, but he was completely sincere.

"I can't ease your fears about a stranger, either of you. You will
wake up sometimes with someone you don't know or barely know. But
you are always free to leave and find a partner _you_ choose.
Someone you love, or like, or even no one at all. All I can do is
promise you that it is meant to be a happy, wonderful experience and
it will be even moreso if you try to come to terms with your worries
now. Talk to other greenriders, male and female, and ask them.
I imagine they will back up most of what I've told you, though
admittedly, I ride bronze and sometimes our view is ...ahh... skewed."
he chuckled. And then paused again, to let them speak. He had
one more promise to make, but he would hold it until the end, because
it would surprise G'wen, but perhaps comfort Cardella.
"Is this helping at all?' He finally asked, quietly. He was pretty
sure he wasn't helping at all and it was killing him. This is what
he was HERE for, shardit. he was supposed to make them feel better!

G'wen nodded and looked over to the ex-Holder girl, wondering what was
going on in her head. He had to grin a bit over the line about males
for drinking partners and females for the furs, thinking of how T'bel
always had his head close to girls like Hanni, plotting something over
drinks and what not. He was definatly the opposite of J'darin here.

She swallowed, but found that she could look at the others without
feeling the same total embarrassment. Talking about things really did
help. She'd already talked to a few others, but Aileyan hadn't really
offered much insight as the girl had been new to everything during her
first flight.

"I think that does help, J'darin," she gave him a weak smile. "It
seems though that until it actually happens we're not really going to
understand it. I just don't do well with the unknown." She sighed and
swallowed again. "When do you think it will happen? I mean, I know the
greens rise sooner, but how long do you think we...have...until...?"
She shrugged, trying to tell herself that she would survive whatever
happened. She was strong, she could do this.

He sighed a little, feeling as if he'd failed in putting their fears
to rest. But he finally said, "I'm trying to make it as known as
possible for you without actually showing you." His cheeks reddened a
little. "But I have one final ... offer. If either of you are
scared or worried or have problems after your dragons rise for the
first time, please call me through Hasaarth and I will come. And its
also true... Hasaarth may be chasing, though I usually try to take him
out of the Weyr the first couple of times my weyrlings' dragons Rise,
if I can. But I give you my word that if Hasaarth every wins either
of your dragons, you'd have nothing to fear from either of your
worries." He smiled faintly at them both.

"As far as how long, a few green dragons will start to Rise in your
final month of weyrling training. But if not then, your first few
months in the Wings will also see your first Flights. Most will wait
until they are well past 6 months to Rise, though. And once you are
Senior Weyrlings, I will help you both as much as I can adjust to what
will happen... okay? I don't want either of you too worried.
Sometimes that makes it worse."

Cardella nodded. Her fears hadn't gone away, but this meeting _had_
helped. Beside her G'wen was feeling as green as his dragon at the
thought of J'darin catching Neath! He firmly pushed the juice to one
side. One thing that would be good about Senior Weyrlinghood was the
idea of a good stiff drink.

Last updated on the April 27th 2011

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A Talk With J'darin