Nocturnal woes (3 of 3)

Writers: Eimi, Suzee
Date Posted: 22nd May 2011
Series: It takes Time to Love

Characters: U'kaiah, Tavia
Description: U'kaiah comes to Tavia for a bit of relief but doesn't quite get what he's looking for...
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 2, day 7 of Turn 6

Tavia

U'kaiah was quiet as they walked back to the greenrider's weyr from the
infirmary, fingers entwined. This whole situation bothered him, but not
only for the injuries he had endured. His brow was furrowed in thought
as he held the door open for Tavia to walk through.

Tavia still felt bad about what had happened to U'kaiah. She looked
for the little gold flit and didn't spot her immediately. When she
finally went toward Sawauth she finally saw Glory on the head of her
green both of them asleep next to Kalamath. She shook her head and
turned back to the sideboard. Her klah was cold.

He followed her around the room, not saying anything but hovering near
by. Letting out a long, slow breath, U'kaiah leaned back against the
sideboard, crossing his arms over his chest. Finally he worked up the
courage to ask the question that had been on his mind. "Tavia,
honestly, did I scare you?"

She closed her eyes and leaned on the sideboard a moment before her
head came up to look at him. Her eyes flicked back and forth between
his. Then she sighed and nodded slightly.

U'kaiah felt his insides sink and for a moment, he forgot how to
breathe. How did this situation go so horribly wrong? He pushed
himself off the sideboard and walked over to a chair, putting distance,
and a table, between them. Leaning his elbows on the table and covering
his face with his hands, his mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. He
should never have come. He should have gone to someone else. He should
have read her better. He should have known her better. And the thought
that screamed the loudest in his head, but only come out as a choked
whisper was, "I would never hurt you."

She turned to watch him. For some reason her eyes focused on the
bandage over the top of his ear. The place where Glory had taken hold
and pulled him away. Her arms went first around her waist then her
hands moved to the small swelling below her navel. She nodded and
shifted her jaw. He'd never been that way with her in the past and she
had no reason to believe he intended to hurt her but he _had_ scared
her. She sat opposite him at the table, willing to listen. "Ok," she
said softly. "What happened?"

"I don't know. I was just... wrong... I guess." He didn't take his
hands from his face. U'kaiah couldn't look her in the eye. "I was on
the edge of control, yes, but I knew what I was doing. I knew where I
was going. I wanted to take you to that edge with me. With all the
passion and abandon that we had in the beginning, I thought you could
handle it. With all the trust we've built over the last few months, I
thought you'd _know_ I would never hurt you. And I trusted that you
would tell me if you couldn't. That you would tell me if I was wrong.
All you had to do was _tell_ me. I would never have forced you, Tavia.
I swear I would never do that."

The whole event was foggy for her. She was sound asleep when he showed
up. To tell the whole truth she didn't remember all that much before
Glory jumped in, well not much besides surprise. "I don't think you
would really hurt me." she said. "But I was asleep. I didn't have time
to realize what was going on."

"I scared you." To U'kaiah it didn't matter if she were awake or
asleep. That was the material point. He had made her afraid of him, if
even for a moment, and that to him was inexcusable. That's how it had
started with that girl in the Flight, too. "I won't do it again. I
promise."

"Alright." she said. She opened her mouth to continue when a very loud
squawk sounded and the gold flit sailed in to land awkwardly on the
table demanding food. Tavia uncurled from her seat and got the little
bowl of food to feed the demanding little thing. She smiled at him
with a bit of apology before uncovering the dish. Then she took a
small morsel and held it out for Glory to grab. "You want to try?" she
asked pushing the dish closer to him. "Maybe she'll forgive you too,
if you feed her." A small glimmer lit her eyes.

His jaw tightened as he looked at the bowl of meat in front of him. The
part of U'kaiah that demanded perfection warred with the side of himself
that was inherently flawed. This whole situation had filled him with a
deep sense of shame, which was an emotion he did not deal with very
well, he knew. It was bad enough that he had to ask Tavia for her
forgiveness, but was he now also supposed to beg a _flit_ to forgive him
too? And just how much of this was really _his_ fault, anyway? It was
the flit's fault for over reacting! It was the greenrider's fault for
not trusting him! It was Glory's fault for being too young to
understand, and Tavia's fault for not being who he had expected her to
be...

**No, no,** he admonished himself. **It's _my_ fault. It's no one's
fault but _mine_.** U'kaiah took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.
He had worked so hard to quash that version of himself that would
excuse away shame, that would lead him to lash out at anyone and
everyone else for his failures. It was what had sunk his relationship
with Syntara. Now, if he was not careful, he would lose Tavia, too.

}:It's all right, U'kaiah,:{ Kalamath purred softly in his head. }:I
will love you no matter what you do.:{

U'kaiah took strength in the conviction of his lifemate, knowing that
undying love had seen him through the worst of his mistakes. With
deliberate gentleness he pushed the bowl back towards her, shaking his
head. "Not right now. Maybe later."

"Ok," Her eyes shifted uneasily away from his face and back to Glory
who wolfed down all the tidbits she handed to her. She didn't really
quite know what to say. She felt uncertain of what to do next though
she was still very tired. The uncomfortable silence stretched on
punctuated by Glory's demand and murmured nothings. Once the dish was
covered again and the little flit curling up to return to sleep she
rubbed her palms down her thighs. "I need to make up the bed," she
said. Then she stood and went to her cupboard to pull out her change
of sheets. She hugged them to her chest and stood there for a moment
still unable to express herself. Finallly, she just sighed and went
back into the sleeping area. It was funny how everything seemed to
blur, she didn't even feel the tear on her cheek.

He watched her as she moved around the room, conflicted as to what to do
next. His instinct was to excuse himself and flee back to Dragonsfall.
But he knew what would come next. Sevendays of silence, followed by a
brief visit with Kaiafel, saying how busy he'd been and that he had a
busy time up ahead with new weyrling graduating soon and so forth. It
was the easy way. It was the cowards way. But though U'kaiah could
bravely face death in Threadfall, he would easily take that over facing
her again with this hanging over them. Though part of him screamed that
she deserved it for her part in this whole fiasco, the outcome was not
one he was willing to accept. Not even his sharding pride was worth
losing her and any future they may possibly have.

That thought spurred him into action. Rising from his chair, he softly
walked over to where she worked and gently wrapped his arms around her
to stop her. Leaning his chin on her shoulder he whispered, "I'm sorry
for the mess I've caused. I never wanted to hurt you. Please forgive
me, Tavia. Please."

She stopped when his arms went around her. Biting her lips she fought
for control. Her head hung down for a moment and her arms crossed over
his. Then suddenly she turned and buried her face in his chest. She
was careful not to put her arms around him where it would disturb his
injuries but instead her hands went to his lower waist.

The thing was down deep she really did believe him. She was certain
he'd never intended to scare her or hurt her and then the whole thing
was compounded when her emotions communicated to Glory. He head came
up and she looked into his eyes with a minute nod. "I'm sorry too" she
said.

U'kaiah cupped her face in his hands, wiping away her tears with his
thumbs. "I would never want to hurt you. I care about you too much,
Tavia."

Her hands moved softly to the heavily muscled arms that had controlled
her so easily before. Her eyes searched his. They had never said
anything about feelings before. Part of her was conflicted by her long
time desire to stand back from emotional attachments. But things had
changed and she had to admit it to herself. She was having this man's
baby and he would be part of their lives for a very long time. This
relationship, whatever they made out of it, was changing her life and
breaking her rules. "I _do_ believe you," she said softly. "I care
about you too." It seemed too much and too little at the same time.
She could only hope he understood.

Last updated on the May 29th 2011

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