Only Trying To Help

Writers: Dana, Michelle
Date Posted: 4th January 2006

Characters: A'se, Desirae
Description: A'se reflects back on the past few months and upon the way he treated Des when she came to visit him in the Infirmary
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr, Elsewhere on Pern
Date: month 9, day 7 of Turn 3

Ever since the Threadfall accident more than two months past, A'se had become withdrawn rarely seeking the company of others outside of drills.
Uncharacteristically he had begun taking as many meals as possible within the confines of his own weyr, and on the rare occasion he chose to eat in the Dinning Hall A'se sat alone. He had begun swimming with Rath in more secluded regions along the coast likely due to the long threadscore scar which trailed down the length of his upper leg. The bluerider had always been self-conscious, especially when it came to scars, feeling that they somehow decreased his desirability. While his previous scars were situated on his face and back where he couldn't see them, this most recent one was plainly visible, and served as a constant reminder of the pain he and his dragon were forced to endure due to the irresponsibility of their former so-called leader.

As A'se sat on the deserted beach, waiting to dry off after bathing Rath before heading back to the Weyr he couldn't help but run his fingers along the long stiff scar. The healers had given him an ointment which he was to massage the scar with three times daily in hopes that it would help break away the scar tissue thereby decreasing the stiffness he was experiencing.
The results had been slower than he expected, but it did appear as though the skin around the scar was more flexible. At first he had experienced some difficulty walking but that soon vanished as the muscles in his injured leg began to strengthen after nearly a month of idleness.

}:I wish we didn't have to come here to swim,:{ Rath interrupted A'se's thoughts, }:It's much more fun with other dragons around.:{
**I just don't feel comfortable publicly displaying this _thing_ yet, plus the saltwater is better for my scar,**
A'se explained, despite knowing that there were many in the Weyr worse off than himself. In actuality he felt more awkward with the thought of what he would say to the friends he had shunned since the accident if they confronted him about his recent behaviour, or worse yet tried to show him sympathy. It was a vicious cycle though. He initially needed the sympathy of others, but with so many others injured or dead there was not enough to go around. Growing bitter and impatient with those around him A'se had begun to find himself pushing away those who were only trying to help him.
Thinking back to the first time he had he had voiced these emotions A'se felt a twinge of regret. Des had, after all only been trying to make him feel better.

****

A'se was bored. His threadscore no longer bothered him, at least when it was doused in numbweed, and he was sick and tired of being stuck in bed.
Plus he wanted to examine Rath's wing damage for himself. The dragonhealers assured him that the blue would make a full and speedy recovery, but still A'se worried.

Along with most of the other dolphineers, Desirae had offered her assistance to help the Weyr in any way they needed after the disastrous Threadfall accident. But she hadn't been able to check up on A'se. She had heard from others who were willing to take the time to answer her questions that the bluerider was doing fine, and Rath as well, but Des wanted to see for herself.

And so here she was. Standing in front of the door to the Infirmary.
Nervous. She scowled at herself slightly, irritated. She didn't really want to admit it, but she was a little afraid of that she would see once she entered the room. **They said he was _fine_, Des! Just go in.**

And so she opened the door, and began slowly walking down the aisle, looking for the bed A'se was in.

A'se noticed the dolphineer before she spotted him, but blinded by self-pity he assumed that in no way was she in the infirmary to visit him.
He closed his eyes figuring that it would be easier not to watch the beautiful woman visiting with another victim.

There he was. Desirae took in a deep, quiet breath before walking over.
Then, seeing that his eyes were closed, she paused in mid-step. Was he sleeping? No...he couldn't be. Not with his lashes fluttering so. She hesitated. **Oh for all the sharding... Just go over there!**

"A'se?"

He recognized that voice, but he didn't want to admit that she had come just to visit a self-pitying bluerider. Opening his eyes as though he were just waking he grunted, "Yeah? Who is it?"

"It's Des." Her voice was soft, kind "Oh hi," A'se responded looking everywhere but at Des. He knew that if he looked at her he would loose control and all of the emotions he had been holding in for the past few sevendays would come spilling out. The anger at O'dan for putting him in the situation, the frustration of being kept in bed away from his lifemate as well as the bitterness he had begun to feel.

A'se was suddenly aware of the fact that the manner in which his injured leg had been propped left a large portion of the half healed wound visible where the gown the healers had forced him to wear ended. He wanted to reach for the blanket which had be pushed off to one side and pull it over his leg, but he knew that it would only draw more attention to the hideous marking.

She came closer so she could stand near his head. "How're you doing?"

"Fine, considering," Was his only response, although he felt a twinge of happiness at the concern in her voice. He had few visitors besides the healers, who were so busy that they had little time to do more than offer rush reassurances that everything would end up ok.

The young dolphineer bit her lower lip lightly, unsure of his tone. Or rather, his lack of one. Maybe it was the medication. "And how is Rath?"

"I wouldn't know," A'se said coolly, "I haven't seen him since the accident."

}:My wing is feeling much better though,:{ The blue informed A'se as if this were the same thing as actually seeing his lifemate.

"He says the wing is getting better," A'se relayed, hating himself for being rude, but at the same time not being able to bring himself to change his tone.

"Oh... That's really good to hear, A'se." Again, she hesitated. Maybe it _wasn't_ the medication. But she would try again. Summoning as casual a smile as she could for him, she looked at his face, trying to meet his eyes. "Kiyli and I...we've missed you, you know. You and Rath."

**I've missed you too,** A'se thought but nothing came out. He was beginning to feel tears building up in his eyes. It was so nice to have someone finally visiting. Not wanting to appear weak he turned his face away from Des, "That's nice."

Fighting a sudden lump in her throat, Des crossed her arms over her chest.
It wasn't the medication. And it seemed that he didn't want her here...that he wanted nothing more to do with her.

It hurt. Shards and shells, it hurt.

She took a step back, biting down on her lower lip to keep the tears back.
"Anyway," she heard herself saying quietly, "I just...I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Thanks," the word came out gruffly and not at all as A'se had intended it to. He tried again, "thank you for coming." That time it sounded a little better, but judging by the look on Des's face it was too little, too late.

Stupid, to feel like this. She hadn't even known him for very long! A couple months... But she had thought... No. It didn't matter what she'd thought.

"Yeah." She looked away.

Maybe all he really _had_ wanted to do was to get in her pants. But now with him tied down in the Infirmary, he couldn't continue to seduce her.
He no longer had a need for a woman nearly a decade his junior anymore.

Shards. She needed to get out. She needed to get away. "Goodbye." The words were whispered and she turned then, not waiting for a reply.

"Shards," A'se swore, "Des, I'm sorry. Come back," but the dolphineer made no indication that she had heard his plea. It was then, for the first time since the accident that A'se allowed himself to cry.

****

One by one, A'se had pushed everyone away in a similar manner. He found that once he started to drive one person away he couldn't stop. Now he found himself always alone, and in constant need of human companionship.

}:This is not healthy,:{ Rath said worriedly, }:you need to talk to someone. The one that is friends with the dolphin is nice.:{
**I can't,** Ase told his dragon, **It's too hard to go back, especially since I was such an ass towards her. Towards all of them. She was only trying to help after all.**

Last updated on the January 4th 2006

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Only Trying To Help