Exasperation and Attitudes

Writers: Len, Miriah
Date Posted: 8th June 2014

Characters: Sh'del, J'ackt
Description: Their conversation doesn't go so well...
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 7, day 6 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: N'vanik, Saidrene, Geddori

J'ackt

The barracks were nearly empty at dusk. Most of the candidates were
out doing their own free time activities, but Jenackt stayed behind,
his head buried in piled hides in front of him. Tortuous scratching
could be heard as he practiced writing. He had gotten a little better
at it, but his scrawl still looked like that of a young child and
though he was intelligent, reading frustrated him.

He stared at the words and ran a hand through his hair, brow knit. The
words seemed to jumble in his head. They just didn't make sense!

"Y'know, a clear mind works better than a stressed one." Sh'del leaned
against the doorframe of the barracks and smiled at the boy.

Jenackt slowly looked up and his eyes caught Sh'del through the long
locks of his hair over his brow. There was a instant stiffness and
defensive set to his shoulders as he stayed completely still. He
didn't answer at first, just watching Sh'del as though he was
uncertain as to what the man was planning. He hadn't been around
Sh'del much in his time as a candidate, not since that first initial
interview; he'd kept his distance. Why the Weyrlingmaster was coming
to him now was a mystery. "I've got to get this done." His voice was
soft...wary. "Its due tomorrow."

Sh'del saw the defensive stiffness to the lad's shoulders and inwardly
sighed. Only the love of his Weyrleader kept him from punching a wall
and walking away. He paused a moment before saying, "I know, it's for
my class. Can I see?" He held out his hand.

"It isn't very good." Jenackt handed Sh'del the hides and sat back in
his chair, expecting criticism from the Weyrlingmaster for his
childlike scrawl. "I haven't had a lot of time to practice." He began,
but then his voice dropped away as he shrugged. He hadn't in truth.
The extra lessons he had been having to take left him far more busy
than the other candidates. Most of the time he was too tired to do
more than collapse on his cot.

Sh'del made a show of looking the hide over. "Looks just fine to me."
He handed the hide back to the lad. "If you think your handwriting is
bad, wait til you see your Weyrleader's."

Slowly taking the hide back, Jenackt stared up at Sh'del. He wasn't
stupid...he knew his writing bordered on the illegible, so why was
Sh'del pretending that it wasn't? He looked down at the hide and then
back at the man, a flash of suspicious confusion showing on his face.

Sh'del held up a finger for silence. Without uttering a word, he dug
into his pocket until he found a parchment. Holding it to Jenackt, he
said, "Now you tell me you can understand that flit scratching."

Jenackt took the parchment, eyed it and blinked. He turned it to the
side and then flipped it over. "This is writing?"

"N'vanik seems to think it is, though I think Trouble could do
better." Hearing her name, the tiny green flit landed first on
Sh'del's shoulder and then, seeing the candidate, she squeaked and
hopped down in front of Jenackt, butting his hand for attention.

He had never seen N'vanik's writing, but in all honesty, it made him
feel better about his own. It wasn't much better and surely N'vanik
had had more practice than he had. Jenackt blinked at the sudden
appearance of the green flit and watched her hop down in front of him.
The set to his shoulders relaxed a little as he cautiously stroked the
tiny head and his lips turned upwards, just a little.

Trouble crooned and flopped over the boy's arm, rubbing her cheeks
against his hand. "She's a hopeless slave to affection. Pet her once
and she'll follow you for the rest of your days." Sh'del took the
parchment and tucked it back into his pocket. "So see, if a Weyrleader
can have flit scribbles, then you're writing is just fine, lad. Why
don't you go have a bit of fun with the rest of the candidates?"

"She's nice." Jenackt stroked the little flit with light touches. He
looked up at Sh'dell and shook his head. "I've got too much to do. I'm
behind. They're not."

"No, you're actually not. You may_think_you are, but you're not."

Jenackt's face set in a frown as he withdrew a little further away.
"They've been around people. They know how to read and write good. I
don't. They've had more lessons. They've been with Harpers, not me.
I've got to catch up." His jaw set stubbornly. He was tired of
feeling stupid in classes.

"You_think_a lot of them have been with harpers, but I'm the one teacher
here and I'll tell you what, you're not as far behind as you think you are.
Most of these kids are Holder-bred and they might try and put
airs on with you because you're different and they've been raised not
to like different, but trust me for once, you're not 'behind' them,
not by any stretch." As Sh'del spoke, Trouble crooned into Jenackt's
face and rubbed her chin on his cheek.

He patted the flit and scratched lightly around her wing joints, but
couldn't help but eye Sh'del with continuing wariness. He finally
asked what he'd been wanting to. "Why are you saying this and being
concerned? You don't like me. You've never liked me."

"What would make you think that, son?" Trouble stared up at the boy and
crooned.

Jenackt's lips tightened at the 'son' remark and his eyes flashed with
irritation. "Because you haven't from the first meeting." He replied. "You
made that clear."

Sh'del snorted with amusement. "From what I recall, it was you that did not
like me. You didn't like being told what to do, and you were lying about who
you were. I seem to remember being more amused at your attitude than I
liking or not liking you. Remember, Jenackt, it is my duty to make sure
every boy and girl who goes out onto those sands can handle a dragon
Impressing them. They can handle fear and they can handle danger. And the
danger doesn't just come out of the skies, as I'm sure you well know. I'm
not in any position to impose my own personal ideas of like or dislike onto
candidates but I damn well better make sure each and every one of you can
handle their obligation to Pern."

An eye twitched. He still didn't like being told what to do, but he did what
he had to in order to survive. "So I lied." He shrugged and looked down at
his hide. "And don't call me son. You're not my father." He glanced at the
green flit and stroked a fingertip over her head. "And N'vanik wants me
here.

"It doesn't matter what N'vanik wants if you don't--or can't--follow simple
commands. As your Weyrlingmaster I have the final say in if you get to
actually Stand or not."

"I have been following commands." Jenackt responded, a bit sharp. "Been
doing lessons and chores and all that. What more do you people want?"

"I want you to knock off this sour attitude." Sh'del crossed his arms and
looked down at the boy.

Putting down the hide again, Jenackt met Sh'del's gaze evenly, not
intimidated. "Look, like I told N'vanik, I've been doing every single thing
you all have asked and I haven't asked for anything in return. But its never
shaffing good enough; there's always something else I need to do. So forgive
me if I'm not cheery."

"Welcome to life in a Weyr. If you don't like it you can always go back."

"Sometimes I wish I could." That was a soft mutter. But it really wasn't an
option. Last time he'd tried, N'vanik had dragged him back. His frown
deepened into a scowl and he moved his hand away from the flit, setting his
hands into his lap to hide the clenched fists.

Sh'del's expression softened and he sighed inwardly. This kid was as hard a
nut to crack as any he had ever been around. "Jenackt, have you made any
friends among here? Any of the other candidates?"

He shrugged. "Saidrene I guess. Spend time with her sometimes." It was
common knowledge, he guessed, that they sometimes shared a bed. The majority
of the other candidates he'd interacted with were holdbred and had
immediately thought the worst of him. The fight he'd been in with three of
them hadn't helped that.

"You ever talk to Sagan?"

Jenackt frowned. "The skinny kid? Not really." He eyed Sh'del. "Why?"

"That would be the one. He's Crafter bred and some of the nastier holder
boys have been picking on him. As much as I would love to I can't keep an
eye on him all the time. But a kid like you could protect him."

"No." Jenackt shook his head. "I'm not a protector of little kids. Boy has
to learn to take care of himself otherwise he's no good to anyone."

That was the last straw. "Right, so you're not sensitive, don't like to
follow directions and are disrespectful. And you expect to go onto those
Sands. Right kid. I don't think we have anything more to say."With that,
Sh'del turned to leave the barracks. As far as he was concerned Jenackt had
just sealed his own fate.

Jenackt threw up his hands. "I follow directions! And I wasn't being
disrespectful! Shards, can't I say no to anything?" He flung away his hide.
"Fine. Just fine. I'll go."

"I'll go get a rider to take you back." Really, Sh'del had enough of the
young brat. No way could a kid with his attitude be anything but a disaster
waiting to happen if he Impressed. Sh'del sighed in depression.

"There's no where to go back to." Jenackt spoke through clenched teeth. "I'm
Holdless. You know that. Everyone knows that. I have no where to go back
to." His jaw worked from side to side. All of his hard work, all of his
lessons, opening himself up to N'vanik and Cyradis when he hadn't wanted to.
It was for nothing, simply because he wasn't allowed to say no. He'd been
doing everything that they wanted! Jenackt slumped, resting his head in his
hands and threading his fingers through his hair.

"Well, you're pretty sharding arrogant and up yourself for someone who more
than anyone should be pretty sharding humble, don't you think?"

Jenackt went still for a long moment, then spoke softly. "You don't know
anything about me."

"Well then, why don't you tell me about you?" Sh'del turned back to the boy.
"All I'm getting is this snide attitude like you're somehow above us all."

His head whipped back to look at the Weyrlingmaster. "I'm not better than
anyone. I never said or thought that."

"Then maybe you need to take a hard look at how you act, 'cause you sure act
like you think you're better than all of us. I'm here to help you, I'm not
the enemy. But I'll be damned if I can let you anywhere near a hatchling
based on your current attitude of gritted teeth when you're told to follow
directions and glares and every other thing you do to try and prove you
don't have to listen to anyone." Sh'del settled onto the stool beside
Jenackt's bed. "I'll tell you what, the only reason I came here tonight was
because all the other candidates were out enjoying some free time and there
was no sign of you, so I came to make sure you were okay. I never see you
with any friends, other than girls you're shagging, so I suggested you at
least try with another boy who's pretty much in the same position as you.
But no, you just think you know what's best and you are resistant to change.
All you know is whatever persona you gained whilst holdless and you're
unbending about changing that. So under that impression_why_would I want you
here? Why should I trust you? I want to trust you, I want to help you, but
you don't seem to give a shit. So, what would you do if you were in my
shoes?"

"Since when..." Jenackt began, "Have I not followed directions? I've gone to
classes, even extra ones. I've done my chores as I've been told. I've done
everything according to what other candidates are doing. I'm studying and I'm
keeping busy trying to catch up. You think that I don't want to listen to
anyone, but I've been listening to everyone. I pay attention." He met Sh'del's
gaze, his lips tight. "I don't go outside because most of the other
candidates are afraid of me and the last time I spent any time with them I
ended up getting a black eye, swollen jaw and brought before the Weyrleader.
I'm trying to stay out of trouble. And watching over some kid who can't
defend himself is only going to make it worse and make him more of a target.
Sagan is not the same as me. He's craftbred. I'm nothing-bred. Do you
understand? This is the first home I've ever had. I've been on my own for
nearly two Turns out in the wild. Before that it was me and my da with
naught but a cave to sleep in. And all he taught me to do was how to steal
and kill when he wasn't laying into me for not doing it right. You say you
want to help? By threatening me with taking away my home and sending me back
to that life? You say you want to trust me, but how can I trust you?" He
pulled away and shook his head. "How are you any different from them who
already think badly of me?"

"So do you think the definition of being different is where you're born? I'd
say it's in how you're treated. Sagan's both one of our few crafter
boys_and_he's gay. And he's been raised to think that he's a terrible person
to be the way he is. And a lot of the same boys who've singled you out for
abuse have also singled him out for the same type of abuse._That's_why I
pointed him out to you..maybe you could learn you're not so different if you
actually talk to some other boys." Sh'del leveled him with the same look the
boy was giving him. "And how am I the same as the holder people who threw
your family out to be holdless? You stand in my shoes for a moment.._how_can
I let you Stand on those Sands with your attitude? And don't give me all
this 'I'm following directions' shit. You may follow direction, but you sure
as shards don't want to. Now just image how that attitude is going to be if
you Impress some bronze or brown and you're in a 'Fall and you decide you
don't like what your wingleader tells you to do. What happens then? I can
tell you 'cause I've bloody well seen it. Dragons die, that's what bloody
well happens. This is my job, to fucking make sure that doesn't happen."

"Then ask Geddori to help him. They have the same tastes and he could
probably relate better than I could." Faranth knew that Geddori didn't see
anything wrong with being that way. He had felt like a hunk of meat when the
boy looked at him. "And do you like everything you're told to do?" He
pointed out. "Doesn't mean you don't do it. I've had to do plenty that I
didn't like. It's what you have to do to survive. That's all I'm trying to
do here."

"Bloody shards, Geddori would eat up poor Sagan. No, no way would I put them
together. As I've told you my job is to get you kids to your dragons in the
right frame of mind to be assets to the Weyr. Throwing Sagan to
Geddori_just_because they're both green dragon candidates is the height of
foolishness, and smacks of prejudice as well. My job also is to make sure
you cut it out with the bad attitude. The very fact that you still seem to
be trying to win this talk worries me. As I've said before_how_can I let you
Stand when you have this attitude?"

"It's not about winning a talk." Jenackt shook his head. If the man wasn't
going to listen to his point of view, so be it. It was clear that the
Weyrlingmaster didn't want his viewpoint, he just wanted him to nod and
smile and do as he was told. It was the Weyrlingmaster who wanted to win,
in his mind. "I leave people alone and they don't complain. No bad
attitude." Let him win. It wasn't worth it. "I'll do what I'm supposed to
do."

Sh'del snorted. "How stupid do you think I am?"

Jenackt blinked and wisely didn't answer that question. "It's what you want.
No bad attitude and I'll do what I'm supposed to. Like I've been doing."

Sh'del stood up, a plan forming in his mind. "Tell you what, stop all your
studies as of right now. Go outside, get some air. If it won't actually
bloody kill you, say hello to Sagan, then go get yourself lost in the forest
for a bit and no one'll harass you. This Weyr's been big enough for several
thousand dragons for some time, so a few candidates who don't see eye to eye
can comfortably fit in it as well. You get yourself a good night sleep and
come to my office at first light, no dallying about. Got it?"

Jenackt stifled a sigh and nodded. He'd have to catch up later, but he
didn't want to continue arguing with the man. "Sure."

Last updated on the June 13th 2014

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Exasperation and Attitudes