A Life Without Joy
Dragonsfall Weyr
Amber Hills Hold
Vintner Hall
Healer Hall
Hidden Meadows
Dolphin Cove Weyr
Dolphin Hall
Emerald Falls Hold
Harper Hall
Printer Hall
Green Valley Hold
Leeward Lagoon Hold
Barrier Lake Weyr
Sunstone Seahold
Citrus Bay Hold
Writers: Bree, Eimi
Date Posted: 2nd February 2006
Characters: Abrei, U'kaiah
Description: Abrei and U'kaiah talk about the things going wrong in their lives.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 10, day 1 of Turn 3
Notes: Follows 'Easier and Much More Pleasant Ways'
Abrei waited until she was fairly sure that U'kaiah had dozed off before slipping away to slide his bathing pool. It had always been her favorite place to brood, and U'kaiah's was nicer than hers. Not that she'd spent much time in her own bathing pool until recently... which was part of the reason she was feeling so broody.
U'kaiah wasn't the problem... at least, not the _real_ problem. The only problem was that as delightful as spending time with U'kaiah could be, he still wasn't R'han. Logic told her that the ache would fade eventually, but it was hard to be logical when it still _hurt_ so sharding much. And she could hardly unburdan herself on U'kaiah... she wasn't very good with people, but she wasn't _that_ clueless. And then there was M'galec and sharding Lenala... the first man that she'd found interesting enough that she'd actually _wanted_ to be flirted with...
at least a little. And he'd turned around and found the stupidest woman he could to make him feel strong and manly. She let out a frustrated sigh and sank deeper in the water, wishing she could go back to the way she'd been before R'han. No men, no relationships, no trouble. "What a sharding good idea you have," U'kaiah said as he slipped into the bathing pool beside her. He sighed contentedly as he leaned back against the edge.
Abrei jumped at the sound of his voice, letting out an undignified squeak.
"I thought you were asleep!"
"Just resting my eyes," he mumbled as his eyes fluttered close again in the soothing warmth that covered him. "This feels so sharding good. I can't remember when the last time was that I actually just sat back and enjoyed a bath."
"What do you usally do?" Abrei asked without thinking. Then she made a face.
"Or you don't actually have to tell me..." "Recently?" he asked. "Hidework. Drills. Sleep. Eat. Drink. Lately, that's been about it." Shards, how boring he'd suddenly become. "And waiting to be seduced by beautiful women."
"Oh..." Abrei laughed as she sank down into the water up to her chin.
"U'kaiah, you need to do something fast. Your life sounds almost as boring as mine is."
"Well, it used to be a bit more exciting," U'kaiah conceded. "I don't know... I guess I haven't really felt like myself lately."
"I know." The words weren't much, but the feeling behind them were genuine enough. So was the confession that followed. "I set up a cot in my office again. The only thing worth leaving the infirmary for these days is a bath."
"Yeah. I know that feeling." U'kaiah looked down at the water, catching glimpses of his features reflected in the little waves, distorted and unnatural. Just like he felt. "I used to escape to the Record Room before.
But there's just no joy in it anymore."
"No joy," she echoed softly, closing her eyes. Life wasn't so different now than it had been before R'han, with one crucial difference... for a few months, she'd actually known what joy was. Now all she knew was that her life was a lot emptier without it. The bronzerider leaned back and rested his head on the ledge, looking up at the stone cold ceiling. "Do you know when it was that I _knew_ I wanted Jaela?" he asked with a chuckle. "It was when she walked into the Record Room one night wearing nothing but a practically see-through shift, and these silly big boots." He closed his eyes still smiling, reliving that moment in his mind. Shards how she made him feel even more naked than she was that night. U'kaiah had often felt that way around her, though. It was like she could see right through the illusions and the smiles and the other women and could see right into the depths of his soul. There was no fooling Jaela. What would she see now, he wondered.
"She was a strong woman." The kind of goldrider you could respect... the kind you could trust to run a Weyr and take care of the people in it. Abrei could understand U'kaiah falling in love with Jaela. M'galec's obsession with Lenala on the other hand... shards, it was pathetic. "Shard it all!" His voice was swallowed by the sound of his frustrated slap on the surface of the previously still water. "I wish she had never walked in that sharding Room that night!"
She wanted to say that she understood, but she wasn't sure she did. All the pain, all the frustration... the hurt of having R'han toss her aside...
maybe the good times hadn't been worth it. But maybe they had. "I wish I could make it better, U'kaiah... but I was never very good at saying the right thing. I'm sorry." "Shards Abrei," he whispered as he covered his face with his hands. "I wish I knew why. No one can tell me _why_! Why did it have to be her? Why did it have to be _now_?"
"I don't know." The pain in his voice demanded that she do something, but she had no idea what to do. At a loss, she reached out one hand to rest on his shoulder. "I'm sorry," she said again, wishing for the first time that she had some of the skills that had made U'val such a wonderful mindhealer.
The body held few enough mysteries for her, but the mind and the heart had always been frustratingly impossible for her to comprehend. "I'm sorry too, Abrei," he said finally, reaching up to lay a hand over hers. "I know you came her to forget your troubles. You shouldn't have to deal with mine. Whats done is done and its foolish of me to dwell on it."
"I want to be your friend," Abrei replied seriously, squeezing his shoulder.
"Shards, U'kaiah... haven't you heard me? You're the only sharding friend I have. You're the only person who puts up with me." She let out an amused snort. "Maybe if you let me practice on you, I can make a second friend some day."
"Hmph." U'kaiah sighed deeply and reached an arm behind the surly Weyrhealer. "Yes, Abrei. You are my friend. And a very good friend you are too. The others don't know what they're missing." He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "You're not really as scary as you seem to be."
Last updated on the February 2nd 2006