A Battle Lost
Dragonsfall Weyr
Amber Hills Hold
Vintner Hall
Healer Hall
Hidden Meadows
Dolphin Cove Weyr
Dolphin Hall
Emerald Falls Hold
Harper Hall
Printer Hall
Green Valley Hold
Leeward Lagoon Hold
Barrier Lake Weyr
Sunstone Seahold
Citrus Bay Hold
Writers: Yvonne
Date Posted: 24th July 2014
Characters: Alina
Description: Alina's encounter with Ervine leaves her thinking too much and unable to sleep
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 7, day 26 of Turn 7
The candle in the corner was well on its way to dawn and Alina was still awake. She felt sick. Sick and stupid and used and humiliated, all over some stupid, juvenile prank.
She rolled over and closed her eyes as tightly as she could. Little red dots swam past her eyelids, but sleep didn't follow. All she could think of was Ervine, and about how much her hand hurt from slapping him.
Oh, he'd deserved it. What sort of prank was that, anyway? The only thing he'd wanted to do was make her feel awful for coming from a hold. She was stuck up, backward, a bitch because of it. Just because she thought that men should respect women, that kissing meant something, that he didn't deserve to have his hand on her knee. Or higher. Or claim her underwear like some sort of trophy.
And yet, she'd let him. At first. The worst part was that she'd liked it. She had actually convinced herself that she could love a maggot like that. That they might have a future... her lips twisted into a dark, bitter smile. What a fool she was. No Weyrbred man would ever want her, not when he could have any woman in the Weyr with a crook of his fingers. And there were plenty of women much prettier than she was. She'd never get married, or have children, or grow old in a cot surrounded by family. No one would ever look at her the way her father looked at her mother. The Weyr condemned her for believing two people could forge a bond based on respect and duty. For having too much respect for herself to wear revealing clothing and give herself to just anyone. But now that she was here, the Weyr had also corrupted her in the eyes of the holds, and the future she'd dreamed for herself was now firmly out of reach no matter which way she looked or what
happened next.
She didn't want to turn into one of the women of the weyr. She didn't want to feel as if her body wasn't hers to give as she chose, instead of consumed by every lecherous gaze that might land on her skin. She didn't want to substitute pleasure for love. Love was _hard_. It was as much a duty as a pleasure. It was something that was just as likely to happen over time, in an arranged match, as it was to happen when two people locked gazes across a crowded room.
All her life Alina had worked hard to be the sort of woman that made a good wife. She was smart, she dressed well, she watched her manners and what she ate and how she walked and who she spoke to. And now everyone at the Weyr looked down on her for it and called her holdbred. If she didn't want to wear pants, she was backward. If she didn't want to drink or lie with men or give a maggot her underwear, she was frigid and stuck up. Her manners meant nothing next to a girl with a hearty laugh and the desire to strip. Learn our ways. Adapt. Change who you are to please us. Be like us or else. The freedom of the Weyr was just another set of shackles, another lack of choice disguised as endless options.
Frustrated, she flung off her sheets and padded barefoot from the room. She left her sweater hanging on the hook by her bed. It wasn't as if she needed it-- the night was too warm, and Ervine was right-- the only person who cared if someone saw her cleavage or bared shoulders was her, and it was clear that she didn't matter at all.
The breeze that hit her face outside the Candidate's barracks was hot and sticky with salt. Her bare feet found the path to the sea, and she tiptoed around sharp-edged gravel and shadow-wreathed thorns. When she saw the moonlight on the water her stomach lurched, and all the misery that had followed her from her encounter with Ervine suddenly caught up with her. It wasn't _fair_.
She choked back a sob, then crossed the beach to let the waves lap at her toes. It was the first time she'd ever felt the sea, and it... tickled. The water sucked the sand from beneath the soles of her feet so that she felt like she stood on nothing. Her vision blurred. She scrubbed her eyes with her knuckles. Tears were for weaklings.
None of it was fair. Her father had told her to go, and so she'd been banished because of his sense of duty. She hated him for it, hated Ervine for his sense of humor, hated the Weyr for stealing holders from their homes, and hated herself for being helpless to do anything about it. The men could choose their fate: to Impress or not. To go home or stay or go somewhere else entirely. As a woman, she was stuck. The Holds wouldn't want her after living at a Weyr, and the Weyr didn't want her as she was.
Alina stood at the shifting edge of the beach, limned by the moons and liminal, as desperate as a wild thing with a leg caught in the iron teeth of a trap. In the end she did the only thing she could do, which was turn around and crawl back to her bunk in the Candidate's barracks, close her eyes, and do her best to pretend that nothing had happened and nothing was wrong.
Last updated on the July 28th 2014