The Break in the Struggle (Part 2 of 2)

Writers: Clancey, Miriah
Date Posted: 5th August 2014

Characters: Ninaine, J'darin
Description: Break downs are followed by break throughs.
Location: Dragonsfall Weyr
Date: month 8, day 12 of Turn 7

Ninaine

J'darin

He watched her reactions, and while he had no idea what she was
feeling or thinking, he could see from her downcast head and the ..
resignation .. in her words that she didn't care and was just doing
what she was told.

Which, to be honest, was required. But he didn't want her to lose
"her" through the process. No, what he wanted was for her to FIND
her. Whoever she would become.

But he hated that he could never seem to get through to her no matter
how hard he tried. He wanted to help her, but she didn't really want
his help. Maybe someone else would be a better teacher than him.

He sighed and said quietly, "Ninaine, from now on, I will turn your
training over to D'kere or one of the greenriders. its clear that I
cannot help you, despite wanting nothing more than to make this an
easy happy place for you. Its not so much about shedding who you
are, you know. Thats not why we ask you to change clothes and follow
orders. Its about you becoming someone new. Not who you were,
and not who you think we are. But who Ninaine, rider of green Luneth

might be. Whoever she is, well that is up to you, within the
requirements of putting your dragon's needs first. But it is up to
you."

His voice firmed as he made a decision.

"I will not continue to try to help you when I clearly am not the one
that can. I will let D'kere oversee your training for a while.
perhaps he will be someone you can trust to help you."

"I will continue to listen through Hasaarth, and you can always, of
course, come to me." He was fairly sure that would never happen, as
she never had to this date.

"But the bulk of your teaching will be D'kere, or an older greenrider
of your choosing. Good day, Ninaine. I do hope you enjoy it."

"But what's wrong with who I am now?" She suddenly burst out, her
hands clenching into fists and her eyes watered. Once she got started,
it was hard to stem the flow of words from her. "Everyone keeps
telling me to change, to be different. I don't want to be someone new!
I just want to be who I am! How can I be happy if everyone keeps
telling me that who I am isn't good enough? First my parents and now
everyone here! I'm just not good enough!" Tears flowed down her face.
"I keep getting told what I think is wrong, how I feel is wrong! That
everything I have always believed is important is wrong!" She covered
her face and began to softly cry. "What's wrong with me? "

Now that the dam was broken, Ninaine couldn't hold back all of the
pent up emotions. She sat down on the ground, her sobs wrenching from
deep within. "I don't understand. My mother, my father, I wasn't good
enough. I'm not good enough now. I try. I really try...I swear I try."

He paused in his step to turn away when he heard her words behind him.

When he heard her and the sobs that came after, his heart broke for
her. It had always been hard for him to see her, so alone and yet
fighting to _stay_ that way.

"Oh lass!" He said some other meaningless words and immediately
dropped down on the ground beside her. He was much taller than her
of course, so it was not nearly as graceful.

He reached out with one arm and tucked it around her shoulders the way
he would any upset woman who decided to get upset around him. It was
a natural reaction for a man with his care and concern for others,
especially others of the female variety.

"Nothing is wrong with you! _Nothing_." He emphasized the last part
dramatically. "But you ARE different. The moment Luneth chose you,
you became someone different. There is no help for it at all.
Change is part of life, Ninaine. Especially with Thread falling.
That's the biggest change any of us could have gotten and we've all
of a creature as magnificent as Luneth? She is, you know. And so,
my dear, are you. You are both stunningly magnificent. It is only
that you need to see it too. THAT is why we are asking you to change.
Not into something different... you are already unalterably,
unchangeable different... She has made you so. But instead, we wish
you to see what we see. See the beauty that could be. You were
beautiful as you were, but you will be even more beautiful as you are,
and as you will be. You were good. You are good. You are MORE, now.
You are .. two."

"All the .. advice, adjustments, changes that we ask you to make....
they are only to support who you became the moment you Impressed.
We want you to see her. She already exists, and she takes the best
of you before you Impressed and the best of you after Luneth chose you
and she becomes the best of both. Give her a chance will you? Let
us help you see her. I promise you, she is beyond good enough. And
so, my dear, are you."

At first she stiffened when he put his arm around her, but then the
need for comfort outweighed anything else and she leaned against him,
tears streaking her face. She tried to speak through the sobs, but it
was difficult. "My parents hated me when she chose me. My mother
called me names. I don't want to be what she said. I don't want to be
horrible. I was supposed to make them proud. I wanted them to be proud
of me. Why couldn't they be proud?"

Everything was gushing out all at once, impossible to hold in but she
couldn't look at him. She just kept shaking her head. She didn't
notice when Luneth, roused by her riders turbulent emotions, emerged
out of the barracks with eyes whirling. The green looked down at her
lifemate, her eyes focusing on J'darin's arm around her shoulders. Her
talons flexed against the stone slowly, scraping lightly. But Luneth
didn't snarl nor she didn't rumble her disapproval or complaint.
Instead, she laid down beside Ninaine and pressed her head against her
other side. }: I love you. Don't be sad anymore. Hasaarth's is right.
You are good. You are very good. And we are together.:{ She coiled her
body around the two of them, tail thumping rhythmically.

Ninaine looked up and gave a hiccuping sob as Luneth laid her head in
her lap. The warm weight was a source of deep comfort, but she stayed
leaned up against J'darin as well. "I don't know how to change.." She
rubbed at her eyes, shadows beneath them. "I don't know how."

He held her as close as she would let him, and as close as possible
given their seats on the ground in front of the barracks.

He let her go, talk as she would, not interrupting. When Luneth came
outside, all his muscles tensed and he felt Hasaarth spring into
watchfulness in his mind. If she _dared_, he would eat her. He
would.

J'darin could not hide his shock or his sheer amazement as the young
green not only didn't growl or snarl, she laid down next to her rider
and comforted her as most dragons would do.

What stunned him even more - he was shocked into speechlessness by the
very act - was when he felt Luneth's tail coil around _him_ too.

"I know, Ninaine. I know your parents reacted badly." Which,
really, was an understatement at best and a gross misrepresentation at
worst. " I am so sorry for that because it was wrong. They should
have seen and understood, but they did not. I wish I could help you
understand that, but I cannot. That is a wound that only time ...
and Luneth... can help you heal." He went on, though he knew she
knew what he was saying.

"Most people in Holds and Halls are taught differently than people in a
Weyr. This you know. But that doesn't mean our way is _bad_ because it is
different. It is ... different. Many folk do not understand the ways we
change once a dragon chooses us. Many do not understand how incredibly
important their needs
become over our own. Remember, Thread was a memory. Gone forever
to all of us until 7 turns ago. Even without Thread, a dragonrider's
life is still about his or her dragon. It has to be. But we had luxuries
then - to be more like Hold folk. Today, we do not. We just protect.
But the people that we protect.....your family and others like them ...
they remember only that we are different. " He paused, catching on to
something himself
for the first time.

"They changed too, after the Plague, the same way people change today
after being chosen by a dragon. Before that, women could Craft and
do other things besides get married. Before that, the differences
between Weyr and Hold and Hall were not so pronounced. But not today.
Today we have been forced apart. We have to accept the truth of that
and move on about our lives. Different though they may be, we have
one very important job - and that is to keep them safe."

He could not hear Luneth but he could hear her rider finally reaching
out. He felt joy welling deep inside him hearing it, because he knew
that by saying she didn't know how to change, she was one step down
the road _to_ change.

"Oh lass, don't worry about not knowing how to change. Luneth will
help you. As you grow, you will learn what it is to care for her,
the other half of your soul, as if it were your own. Even more
important than your own, to be honest. You will learn how that feels
and it will help you understand why things happen, though I am not
promising it will be easy. Change never is. We fear change and
differences because being the same is "safe". Change is not safe.
No one is sure what will happen on the other side of the change. But
one thing is for certain...." He held her tighter and smiled.

"You will not have to learn on your own. Luneth will help you. I
will help you. We will all help you. Revel in the choice of a
different life, a life where you will never, ever be alone or without
someone who loves you unconditionally. But also revel in Ninaine, the
Holder's daughter, and how all she
wanted was for her parents to be proud. That is good. That is very
good. Stand up and be proud of who you can become... you can become
someone who protects other people who can't protect themselves. You
can become a friend, a rider, a Healer, whatever you choose. Don't
let your parents names for what they _think_ you are define who you
actually are. Be Ninaine, rider of green Luneth. That will be
enough. "

Last updated on the August 12th 2014

Welcome to Triad Weyrs!

The Break in the Struggle (Part 2 of 2)