Ugly Feelings

Writers: Avery
Date Posted: 14th August 2014

Characters: Ikalis
Description: Ikalis feels selfish and upset after the results of the Hatching.
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 8, day 12 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: Chaysea, Alina

Ikalis curled up in the bathroom feeling miserable for herelf.
Hatching Day was always exciting, and normally she looked forward to
it. There was so much work to do to make all the food, but the way
that it was clear other people enjoyed her work usually made up for
it. And even the workers got a chance at some wine and dancing, when
the Headwoman was fair about it, which Chaysea had been so far.

But today Ikalis wasn't looking forward to the Feast, and it was all
selfish. She had had some plans, and now those plans were ruined. She'd
hoped to sneak Alina some special treats and convince the holder to take a
night walk with her, maybe make a move...

And then she'd gone and Impressed.

Ikalis knew she should be happy for her friend. More than that, she
should be thrilled for her. She should be ready to throw her arms
around Alina and tell her how proud she was. How she was glad to see
the Holder Impress to a dragon. To tell her that this proved the
dragons were right, and her family was wrong, and the Weyr was where
she was supposed to be. To be glad that Alina wouldn't have to go back
to her tiny cothold and marry some old man and lie there under him and
pop out baby after baby until one made her sick and killed her.

This was a _good_ thing, she told herself. It made Alina a _weyr_
woman now, not a holder one.

But Ikalis couldn't summon up any feelings of joy. Instead, she was filled
with a roiling, conflicting mess of ugly emotions. There was worry because
Alina had been hurt, and she had no idea if she was okay, and there
was jealousy that Alina had a dragonet to love and take over her
heart, and a tinge of anger that here her friends were all off to
Impress a dragon while she got left behind because she wasn't part of
their special world even though she still lived at the Weyr just like
them, and the agonizing stab of rejection, because when had she seen a
greenriding woman with a woman? She felt filled by the bitter ache of
her dreams shattering, her hopes of having returned feelings crumbled
away.

She closed her eyes and brushed at her face. She wasn't fit to be seen
in public when she was all broken up like this. And she didn't really
want people asking her about it, because it wasn't any of their
business - and becaue she knew she was small and petty. She'd just
have to work all night turning out bubblies; the heat of the oven and
the sweat would mask that she'd been crying and gave her an excuse to
be too busy to come out and party.

Maybe tomorrow she'd feel better.

Maybe.

Last updated on the September 7th 2014

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Ugly Feelings