How do you feel (2 of 2)

Writers: Eimi, Suzee
Date Posted: 30th June 2013
Series: It takes Time to Love

Characters: Tavia, U'kaiah
Description: U'kaiah finally asks Tavia to move, things don't go as expected
Location: Dolphin Cove Weyr
Date: month 1, day 7 of Turn 7
Notes: Mentioned: Aileyan

Tavia

U'kaiah blinked a few more times, rather surprised at the question. How
could she had been talking so long of coming if she didn't already
understand how much she meant to him. "Do you really not know?"

Her brows twitched together as she fought the impulse to hit him. "I'm
not your lifemate U'kaiah. I can't hear your thoughts, if you want me
to know something you have to actually _say_ the words."

He didn't understand why she was suddenly so snappy with him. It wasn't
as if he had made a secret of his feelings! If anything, he had made
them quite clear to anyone who cared to notice. Words could be thrown
about here and there, but actions spoke even louder and it was as if she
hadn't even bothered to read them.

"And if I said the words now that you have this knife to my throat,
could you really believe them?" he asked, not accusingly, but with
conviction. "I have told you how I feel a thousands ways, Tavia. I may
not have said the words you want to hear the way you want to hear them,
but they have been on the tip of my tonge every time I kissed you. I
raced back and forth between our Weyrs for over a Turn just to be with
you. I'm risking everything I have built with Aileyan to give you and I
a chance to build a life together. Do you think I would have done all
that if I didn't care as deeply for you as I believe you do for me?"

"Knife? What knife? I just said I wanted to go to Dragonsfall." But
her throat closed up and her eyes clouded with tears. She twisted off
the bed to turn her back to him in the darkened room. She should have
known better than to ask the stupid question and let him bring Aileyan
into the conversation again. But then she spun around "Oh yes, your
precious Aileyan, so sweet.... have you given _her_ the words so that
now they only belong to her? And now you have nothing but
recriminations for me because I was so foolish as to _ask_ how you
felt?" She couldn't stop herself now that she was on a roll "Yes
you're risking a relationship. I'm uprooting my entire life! Isn't
that worth a few words of comfort?"

U'kaiah looked at her turned back, feeling like an utter failure. What
was going wrong? He just didn't understand! He had thought he was
doing everything right with Tavia. Or at least, well enough. Aileyan
had been the one he had truly worried about, and yet the way Tavia had
just spit out her name...

**I have to fix this. I _have_ to!** Crawling over to her he
tentatively put his arm around her middle and whispered, "I'm sorry,
Tavia. I never meant to hurt you by not telling you that I love you. I
just wanted the words to be special. I wanted to say them freely like
you said them to me, so you could truly believe how much I meant it.
But if you need to hear them now, I will tell you again and again that I
love you, I love you, I love you. I just want to make you happy.
Please, Tavia, don't be angry with me."

She sagged against him but couldn't resist the sobs that swept over
her. It was as if a dam burst inside and all the emotions she'd been
bottling up burst through. Partly relief and partly the anguish that
had gripped her when she'd seen him rush to Aileyan's side. But she
turned her face into his neck and threw her arms around him accepting
his declaration. Finally she squeezed out between shuddering gasps
"not... angry."

He wrapped his arms completely around her, cradling her close while his
mind raced. This all seemed to be coming out of nowhere. His news was
supposed to be happy. He thought it was all but decided. Why was she
lashing out at him, and more importantly, at Aileyan? She had never
seemed to have any problem accepting the fact that he had another lover
before. Why the sudden change? He just couldn't understand what was
happening. But he had to make it work. He could not lose Tavia now!
"Then tell me, what did I do? I promise, I'll try to fix it. I'll do
better. Please, don't cry."

Tavia tried hard to gain control and finally the tears slowed though
she still hiccuped when she tried to breathe. "Sorry," she finally
said. "I guess I've just been h-h-holding it all in," She wanted to
cling to him but sat up and wiped her face with both hands. She shook
her head as she tried to think of a way to tell him how this whole
thing had started for her.

"You remember when I came to Dragonsfall for that visit..."

"I do." How could he forget such a moment? He had been a nervous
wreck, knowing that their entire futures depended on Aileyan accepting
Tavia.

Now that she'd gotten that part out of her mouth she didn't quite know
how to phrase the rest of it. "it was hard to see you run to her
before you'd done more than take Kaiavin while I dismounted. It felt
like you cared more about her." Then the rest of it just tumbled out.
"and you never call _me_ 'sweetheart' or say you love me." Her face
started to crumple again. She'd not put it in so many words, but Tavia
had never felt jealousy until that day. "It just hurt."

There was just so much there, U'kaiah's mind was a whirl. How to answer
that? How could he make her understand? "First of all, you have to
realize that you and Aileyan are very different people. She doesn't
just accept that I can love both her and you. Her greatest fear is that
I'm going to leave her for you. It hurts her every time I leave her to
come here. I was extra supportive of her that day because we needed it
to be a positive experience for her. We needed her approval so I could
ask you to come." U'kaiah had never known Tavia to be jealous, and so
he had never even thought that she would interpret his actions any
differently.

"As for the rest... Yes, there are things I say and do with Aileyan that
I haven't with you yet. But you have to understand, Tavia, that Aileyan
and I have a longer history. We were already together when you and I
met in the Commons Room that day. We have reached certain points in our
relationship faster than you and I have, but it's not because we won't
get there. Shards, that's why I want you to come, so we _can_ have that
deeper relationship. I believe with everything in me that we will, and
soon." He took a deep breath not knowing if what he said made any
difference to her. But he had tried to give her as honest a response as
he could. Now he could just hope that it was enough.

U'kaiah made the quintessential mistake males make when trying to deal
with women's irrational fears. He explained why he was right and told
her probably more than she really wanted to know. Instead of allying
her fears, he'd rather confirmed them.

"So my fears aren't as important as hers then. You love her more."
She nodded as if answering her own question. "I thought so," she said
in a resigned voice. "Glad to know where I stand."

He felt deflated. There was no winning! "I said nothing about how I
_feel_ about her. If I could have chosen between the two of you, I
would have, but I can't! I don't want to lose you any more than I would
lose her. I want you both the _same_." Again, he was left wondering
just where he had gone wrong.

Oh but he had, and tt wasn't as if she didn't already know but it was
still difficult to hear. Yet he'd said the words finally and if she
could really believe him then they could still move forward. "Ok
then," she looked him in the eye. "Then from now on, when you're with
me, _be_ with me. Don't talk about her." She shook her head and took a
deep breath. "I imagine she'd have an easier time believing you too if
you didn't talk about me when you're with _her_."

U'kaiah hung his head with a heavy sigh, shaking it slightly in weary
frustration. This was not moving forward, it was stepping back. For
the space of a heartbeat, he almost gave into despair. But only for a
moment. **Never give up,** he reminded himself.

"There has never been a moment, Tavia, when I have been with you and
wished I was with her. I have _always_ been with you. I'm sorry that I
have done something to cause you to doubt that. To doubt _me_, and how
I feel for you. I wish I could crack open my heart and let you see all
things I want to say, but can't find the words to convey to you. All I
can say is that I love you, though those words seem very small compared
to what I feel. I wish I could somehow prove to you now that Aileyan
has never, and will never, be a rival to you in my affections. I love
you, and always will."

"Okay," she said in simple acceptance. "I love you too U'kaiah, more
than you know." Maybe that was why it had hurt so much when she'd gone
to Dragonsfall and all his attention had been focused on Aileyan and
the baby with barely anything left for her. But though she could see
he meant what he was saying now. It still didn't feel real to her and
maybe that would just have to take some time to work through. Besides,
if she started feeling low, Sawauth would bring her back here so she
and Kaiavin could visit her parents any time she needed.

"Listen," he said gently, wrapping his arms around her once more with a
little more confidence, though not as much exuberance as he had when he
first arrived. "Just because I'm finally asking you to come to
Dragonsfall, it doesn't mean this has to happen now. I think we should
make no promises today. I think there's still a lot that needs to be
considered before we jump in with both feet. You want me to stop
talking about Aileyan around you, but you have to understand that if you
want to come to my Weyr and be part of my life, I _will_ talk about her
with you. How can I not? She's part of that life, too. I can't spend
the rest of my life second guessing every word that comes out of my
mouth, wondering how much to say, who it will hurt.

"You will both have to accept each other, as hard as that will be. I
know it will be difficult for all of us in the beginning, but I believe
it's worth a try. I believe we can work through the hard times and in
the end we can all be happy. I believe we could have a wonderful future
together, and I am committed to sticking it out, and making it work. I
believe in _us_. But I need you to be ready to believe, too. And I can
wait as long as it takes for you to decide what is best for you. I want
you to be happy. And if you decide that it will just be too hard to
make that life with me there if she's in it, then so be it. You won't
lose me, either way. I won't let that happen."

As he talked, she relaxed into his arms. She wanted it all to happen
exactly the way he envisioned. They didn't have to rush things. If all
three of them could relax and just let it happen naturally maybe it
really could work. "Alright," she said and turned her face up to his
with a slight curve to her lips.

"I'm glad to hear that," she reached a hand up to caress the side of
his face. She would hide that promise in her heart for when she needed
it most.

Last updated on the July 3rd 2013

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